Editor’s Note – Here’s Hoboken-based comedienne Eileen Budd to give us her latest witty recap of the show we New Jerseyans love to hate (or at least pretend to be superior to), ‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey.’ This season is almost complete – well, except when Bravo milks it with all the reunions and ‘lost’ footage. Tell us what you think below!
The Italian Curse
We’re in part two of the gang’s trip to Italy, now in Naples. Everyone is smart enough to leave their luggage on the cruise ship except Joe and Teresa who are afraid to leave it behind. Surely the suitcases must contain a year’s supply of prosciutto, a boatload of hundred dollar bills, or the actual statue of David. But no, they probably just contain the girls’ little hooker outfits and Teresa’s bejeweled tops and pocketbooks. As one of the daughters acts up while leaving the ship’s cabin, Joe’s solution is, “Throw her overboard.” Joe is not having a fun time of it and tells Teresa, “Next time, I ain’t going with you. This ain’t a [bleeping] vacation.”
Jacqueline quips, “God forbid if the accessory bag was missing. Holy crap. If one of their kids didn’t have a bow on their heads, she’d make one out of toilet paper.” That’s right, as long as it was toilet paper designed by Versace.
Although Caroline is clearly in a funky mood because of the chaos caused by the kids, Teresa doesn’t care. “I don’t feel responsible if people are in a crappy mood – that’s on them.” Remind me not to tell you that I recently lost my job, found out I have a serious illness, or recently lost a loved one, Teresa. I’d hate to rain on your parade by being in a crappy mood. Her capacity for empathy is only matched by her IQ.
Teresa tells us that Mt. Vesuvius erupted hundreds of years ago or 60 years ago – she can’t remember which. Considering 60 years ago would have brought us back to the ’50s, perhaps Dick Clark could tell us more about that fateful day the volcano erupted during a taping of American Bandstand.
When they get to their hotel, the girls are intrigued by the presence of a bidet in the bathroom. Joe tells them they don’t use them anymore in America. Right, there’s no need, because entitled people just piss on the little people instead. That way, they just walk away and there’s nothing to really clean up afterwards.
Albert and Caroline are having difficulty coping with Joe and T’s kids because they don’t discipline them. They just want to escape the little critters and go off by themselves. “With any luck Vesuvius will erupt,” Albie hopes. No such luck but something comes close. Volcano Joe erupts when he finds out the bill for the night’s stay. He starts cursing when Teresa tells him to stop it in front of the kids. “I don’t give a s—,” he shoots back. “$2,200 for drinks in one night. $1,000 for breakfast that sucked. My mouth is so dry I’m about to swallow my tongue.” We should be so lucky. His rant on the bus to his hometown in the mountains escalates. “I had a cuppa cawfee and a friggin’ ham sandwich for $1,000. I’m hungry. We’re gonna go do what we gotta do. We’re gonna eat and we’re gonna be civilized.” Now, eating for Joe – that’s a no brainer. But being civilized? That’s a tall order for such a short guy with an even shorter fuse. Let’s just say that when you look up the downfall of Roman civilization in the encyclopedia, Joe’s photo is next to it.
When they make the trek up the mountain to Joe’s grandmother’s house, Joe complains, “They used to have donkeys to go up the stairs and carry things. I don’t know why they got rid of them.” Maybe because, generally, with the onset of civilization, man tends to move away from dependence on pack animals like donkeys. But in some circles, I hear they still make for a decent substitute for girlfriends. The gang finally arrives huffing and puffing at Grandma’s house and they take up the better part of the afternoon kissing each other hello. It reminded me of Christmas Day at my parents’ house when I was growing up and 548 relatives showed up that I had to kiss regardless of whether I knew them or not.
Interestingly enough, Joe’s 83-year-old grandmother makes the trek up and down the steep incline all the time but Joe barely has enough juice to do it once without being on the verge of collapse. Hey, it’s hard to roll a 175 lb. zeppole up a hill. As Grandma hugs the kids, Teresa translates what she’s saying in Italian. “She has 23 grandchildren.” But you know what the old woman is really saying is, “Whose little rug rats are these now?”
T. explains that she spoke Italian as a child and didn’t learn to speak English until she went to kindergarten. Uh, Teresa, I beg to differ with you. You still don’t know how to speak English. And your husband Joe is even worse. He can’t speak English AND he’s crazy. When you’re walking from his grandma’s house, he tells you, “You better get a little respect. If I give you a kick, I’ll send you to the uncle’s house,” as he points across the rooftops. Aww, he’s just kidding, you may say. But moments later, he’s giving a tour of the local pig slaughterhouse, laughing maniacally, “Every five minutes, you can hear a pig screaming.” I think Saw VII is coming out soon. What do you think the chances are that Joe’s in it? At least Caroline suggested that they give the pigs Percocet to let them go down naturally.
But you have to admit, Joe’s funny. When they’re going down a stepped terrace, Joe says, “Oh, look, orange trees. What are we in Florida here?” Surprisingly, Joe knows the name of the state that grows citrus products. Then again, he may also think that being in Naples means he is in Florida. And, no matter how much I poke fun at how he treats his little girls, he’s obviously a loving father. When Teresa is going down the hill, one of her little daughters sweetly tells her, “Mommy, I don’t want you to break your neck.” Aww, what a sweetie. So moments later, Joe shows his tender side when his daughter Gabriella won’t hold his hand. “I’ll kick you right in your little butt.” That Joe – he’s such a kicker….. But obviously, Teresa and Joe have their priorities straight when it comes to looking after their family. Teresa calls to her little daughter running ahead of her, “Wait for me because Mommy has heels on.”
Of course, how can you be in Italy and not be eating every five seconds? Joe must have been in glutton heaven because every time we saw him he was stuffing something in his mouth (besides his foot). And Caroline and Jacqueline got in on the act too. Scarfing down a big plate of pasta, Jacqueline was almost orgasmic. “Before I moved to New Jersey, I thought gravy was something you put on your potatoes at Thanksgiving.” And, Jacqueline, your daughter, Ashley, thought you just put hats on your potatoes at Thanksgiving.
The last night in Naples, the gang gathers for a dinner at a long table that looks like the Guido version of The Last Supper. T.’s four little girls emerge dressed in matching custom-made outfits resembling miniature 15th century courtesans. The natives look like they can’t wait to send the crew back to Jersey and get back to their normal lives of pig slaughtering and donkey love.
So where is Danielle in all of this? Looking for her birth mother – or whatever creature gave birth to her. When she sits her daughters down to tell her about her quest, she says, “I was a baby left without a mother, but, luckily, I turned out to be a good mom.” She tells the camera, “They’re lucky they have me.” Oh Lord, Danielle, you’re as good a mother as John Slater is a flight attendant. In fact, I think given the choice, your kids would grab a couple beers and go down an inflated chute with him than live with you.
Danielle goes to The Market Basket in Franklin Lakes with ex-felon friend, Danny, once she learns that the gang is in Italy and she won’t run into them. “Gee, I hope it’s another Titanic when they’re on that cruise,” she speaks fondly of them. As she self-professes, Danielle is so full of love and light. Danielle must have mentioned that she wanted a panini about a million times. Geez, why don’t you just go buy a darn panini press at Macy’s, Danielle, and spare us your appearance in a place where the public actually eats food? This way, no one has to throw up whatever they’re eating when they see you, and you can dish out the bologna to your heart’s content.
Danielle is supposedly so invested in finding her birth mother that she cries – unless, that is, if her birth mother is in any kind of need. “If she’s addicted to drugs or homeless, I can’t take that into my life. I’m not finding her to make her better; I’m finding her to make me better.” You’re a special person, Danielle. You make the CEO of AIG look like Mother Teresa. Did you ever stop to think that when your mother finds out that you’re her daughter that she’ll deny she ever had that one-night stand with Beelzebub?
Well, I can’t tell you what’s coming up next week because my recorder cut off the coming attractions. But let me predict: Teresa and Joe buy the Taj Mahal but can’t meet the mortgage payments so they file for bankruptcy and Mehmood who works at the new 7-Eleven in Hoboken buys it in a short sale. Danielle finally finds her mother who turns out to be the Alien from the eponymous movie but the creature disowns her spawn as too evil to even have been spat out from her gaping maw. And Ashley gets smothered by a knit cap that slides down her face and covers her nose and she can’t figure out how to remove it.
For recaps of prior episodes, click the links below! And…
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