Dear Dr. Norquist:
I need help dealing with my feelings. I get so angry at my boyfriend for being disorganized and slothful. He spends his weekends overeating and watching movies and not thinking about what he needs to do to get ahead. I can see lots of things he could be doing to better himself, but he isn’t doing any of them. I see this as weak and distasteful and then I either start criticizing him (which leaves me feeling guilty) or I say nothing but underneath I’m simmering with bad feelings toward him and don’t want to be close. I’d like to think I’m a kind supportive person but these interactions show me to be otherwise. I know I can’t make him do things the way I would but I can’t stand the way he approaches or should I say doesn’t approach things that need to be done. I hate feeling this way. What can I do to feel better?
Dr. Norquist responds:
You are wise to recognize that you can’t live your boyfriend’s life for him. You cannot control his life, but you can use this situation and your reaction to it for your own growth. It all starts with practicing a new way of being with your own feelings as they arise. When distasteful feelings arise, we tend to either act them out towards others (blaming, criticizing, etc.) or repress them and act them out towards ourselves (guilt, self reproach). Both of these approaches leave us feeling badly about ourselves. Hence your question “what can I do to feel better?”
I’m going to suggest a very different approach to your feelings. What if whenever a distasteful feeling arises, instead of acting out or repressing it, you pause and just allow yourself to ‘be’ with this feeling – sensations and all. Try to be with this feeling from a kind, gentle, non-judgmental place. Drop the story line regarding why you are feeling whatever you are feeling and just Be with it. The old approach shuts down your awareness of your own vulnerability. It is a costly way of protecting your heart, as in the end you are cut off from yourself as well as others.
With this new approach you have an opportunity to touch your own heart and to feel your own wounds. This will allow you to be more open and accepting of yourself, others and life as a whole. In addition it provides your body with a chance to physiologically process and let go of the feelings that you have been harboring.
In this way you can turn unwanted circumstances into opportunities to change destructive habits, to make better friends with yourself, and to be more open to life. Be patient with yourself as you practice this new way of responding to your feelings. This is a gentle, gradual change process that occurs with practice over time. Feel free to write with any questions that arise. I hope this is helpful to you and to others who have the same struggles.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed psychologist (NJ #2371) in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling Services, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling Services, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding health-related concerns. 2010 Chaitanya Counseling Services