Editor’s Note: Welcome to another recap of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey,” the show that seems to never end. It just goes on and on, my friends. Eileen Budd, a Hoboken-based comedian, has amused us with her clever recaps, and here she is again. Please comment below!
The gang goes to Italy
The group is in Italy this time. But before we get to Italy, let’s talk about the buildup to the trip.
Joe was in a car accident but, fortunately, was not hurt. He said he was tired, shut his eyes, and the next thing you know, the car “gets tru da trees and hits a pole.” Translation to English: The car goes through a group of trees without hitting any of the trees but then hits a pole. Joe was not drinking at the time of the accident. However, his accident happened by his father’s house so he goes in the house and has a couple of scotches before the cops arrive. That Joe’s a smart boy. Guess he didn’t think he’d be tested for alcohol after an accident, duh. So, of course, it results in a DUI. But like that other moron, Alfred E. Neuman (of Mad magazine fame), his attitude is, “What, me worry?” Joe rationalizes it all by saying, “Thank God nobody was in my path. Those trees shouldn’t been there.” Yeah, sometimes God can be good and sometimes he can be such a dope.
Of course, Danielle takes delight in hearing the news when her ex-felon friend, Danny tells her at a diner while she’s ordering a blueberry smoothie. (Blueberries are strong in antioxidants which are important to the diet to prevent diseases such as skankiness – oops, too late!) Danielle cautions, “Anyone who puts out negativity, it comes back.” And, if there’s anyone who knows about negativity, it’s Danielle.
So the gang (minus Danielle, of course) [Editor’s Note: What, Bravo couldn’t pay her enough to fly over and ‘surprise’ the gang? Maybe they learned from the Jill Zarin/Ramona Singer debacle on the New York Housewives, but anyway…]decide sto reduce stress and escape to Italy with the kids and parents in tow. How they think travelling with young kids and old fogies isn’t going to be stressful escapes me. At first, Caroline’s husband, Albert, is reluctant to go with all the kids running around. But Caroline thrusts out her ta-tas and convinces him to go. When she wants him to help pack though, he stays put on his indoor chaise lounge announcing, “I don’t pack.” That’s right, Albie. Packing is woman’s work.
Teresa and Joe tease their daughters saying they aren’t taking them on the trip. One of the little rugrats throws her arms around her father pleading dramatically, “I beg of you.” Joe asks her, “Are you paying? As long as you pay we can go.” I’m sure she can afford it. She’s probably got more money in her piggy bank than most of us have in our 401Ks at this point. And she can always have a yard sale and sell off some of her little hooker outfits to make a few more quick bucks.
Ashley, Jacqueline’s daughter, has to stay behind to work because she has to pay the legal fees for Danielle’s lawsuit against her. She also is charged with looking after the house. Jacqueline warns Ashley, “You’re not going to have a party or use this place as a love shack.” I can just imagine Jacqueline coming home to find the house littered with beer cans and knit hats.
The gang gathers at Teresa and Joe’s house for departure. Of course, Joe is eating a pizza moments before they have to leave. After Jacqueline’s mother breaks a hideous gargantuan vase and tries to pass it off on the kids, the crew piles into a van with a pole in the middle and heads off to the airport. “Which Grandma is working the pole?” Jacqueline inquires. When they find out, they should hire her to work in Caroline’s son’s dream strip club/car wash combo.
Arriving with more luggage than Madonna on a 90-day world tour, Teresa heads out of the airport and drags the group around Venice. As one of her little daughters stops to chase the birds every two seconds while the group waits, you can tell that more corks are about to pop than at a party at P. Diddy’s. She herds the group to the gondolas. Joe must have been coaxed into one with droppings of food. Daughter, Milania, stands up in the boat and her father’s protective instincts kicks in. “Milania, get down before you fall in. The sea rats will get you.” Sweet dreams, baby girl. Joe gets antsy on the gondola ride, complaining, “When are we getting off these things? I’m gonna get seasick. I’m gonna throw up soon.” All I know is, if Joe ever gets to Disneyworld, he better stay off the “It’s a Small World” ride.
Of course, Teresa can’t go anywhere without shopping. With the gang in tow, she searches the city for the Chanel store, only to find it closed. Teresa, why don’t you just go to the Woodbury Commons outlets when you get home? Chanel is French anyway, not Italian. Save Chanel for when we send you over to France to annoy them for a change. As T. buys a garish green ring the size of Central Park, Joe tells daughter Gia, “I say we leave her here. We’ll save a lot of money if we leave mommy here.”
The gang eventually gets on a cruise ship to Naples. Joe and Jacqueline’s husband, Chris, go for a drink in the ship’s lounge. Chris has to bring up everyone’s hated nemesis and the problems she’s caused. “Danielle is out of control,” he laments. Joe consoles his friend, “She definitely got dropped on her head a few times when she was young.” Later, T. asks Caroline and Albert to babysit her brood so she can have some time alone in the bedroom with Joe. Just the thought of that makes me gag. And, apparently, Caroline is gagging that she has to look after the little mini T’s. You can see the look of exasperation on her face as she tries to control the turbo engined gaggle of girls racing around the ship. Husband Albie seems to have a tad more patience (or he’s possibly just brain dead at this point). “Do you think he’d be a good grandpa?” Caroline asks one of the little girls. Without missing a beat, the kid responds, “No.” Note to Caroline’s kids: Try not to breed.
Teresa and Jacqueline get together on the boat for a girl’s night of drinking and eating chocolates. T. holds up a piece of chocolate remarking that it looks like “two balls and a little pee pee.” Wonder if she says the same thing about Joe.
Before the episode ends, everyone gets together for dinner to celebrate Milania’s fourth birthday. But Milania is tired and cranky and she falls asleep. When she’s awakened to look at her cake, she yells, “I don’t want it.” Joe should have told her she has to eat it before the sea rats get at it.
I got agita just looking at the chaos the trip has been so far. It’s more relaxing going to the Division of Motor Vehicles. As they sail off to Naples, Caroline wants to know how the shopping is there. T.’s greenhorn dad warns her, “You got to watch the mafioso.” That’s encouraging, Caroline. Just don’t haggle over the cost of a Gucci scarf or the shop owner may give you an offer you can’t refuse.
Next week, there’s a family reunion in Naples. Joe complains as he pushes a stroller up a narrow inclined alley, “This ain’t a vacation.” And it isn’t one for us while we watch you either, Joe. Also, Danielle looks for her birth mother. Wonder if she’ll turn out to be human….
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