Editor’s Note: Welcome to this week’s recap of the reality show whose stars keep invading Hudson County, but luckily return to Franklin Lakes – The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Hoboken-based comedienne Eileen Budd has graced us with another rundown. If you have comments, please leave them below!
Holy Water, Holy Crap!
The episode opens with Teresa and Joe planning daughter Audriana’s christening at The Brownstone. Teresa wants ice sculptures – one of her daughter’s name and one of a cross. What could be a better homage to Christ’s crucifixion than dripping frozen water to accent the flowing Grey Goose? It’s kinda like the perfect metaphor for God’s tears as his only son was sacrificed for our sins. As Teresa plans an over-the-top event for 200 people complete with a cocktail hour and sit down dinner, Joe is concerned about the expenses. “Make it nice and not too nice,” he tells Christopher Manzo, whose family owns The Brownstone. “You know what I mean.” Yeah, Joe, it’s all a matter of degree. Like your house is classy and not too classy.
More on the christening in a minute…
Danielle takes her teen daughter, Christine, to her first ob/gyn appointment and keeps asking her in the doctor’s waiting room if she’s been a “good girl” (in reference to sex). Her daughter tries to dodge her mother’s insistent questioning and tells her to “stop creeping.” But how can a creep stop creeping? And to make things even creepier, Danielle kisses her male ob/gyn hello. Uh, it’s important to have a good doctor/patient relationship, but that’s just a plain bad idea. Who knows what diseases she might transmit to him? But the doc is a bit of a creep himself. He tells Christine that the sexually transmitted disease HPV is everywhere. “It’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when.” Even Danielle looks like she’s going to throw up from his bedside manner.
Danielle later goes to visit friend Kim G., and after a mutual love fest, confides that she wants to find her birth mother who was just 14 when she got pregnant with her. “I just want to smell her,” Danielle cries. Chances are, Danielle, she’s gonna smell you coming first and go running.
Kim G. offers to help her. Danielle, overwhelmed with her friend’s lovingness, asks if in the next lifetime one of them could be a man. Kim says, “I told you we’re dating, right?” Seems like creepiness is the theme of the evening. But I’m confused because shortly before, Kim G. was trying to persuade Chris to set her up with lunch with his mother, Caroline. “What do you want, a date?” he asks. Boy, Kim G. doesn’t know how to be in an exclusive, monogamous relationship! And besides, Caroline wants nothing to do with her because she accompanied Danielle to the courthouse when she pressed charges against Jacqueline, Ashley, and Teresa. ”She’ll have her ‘uh-oh’ moment,” Caroline forewarns of Kim G’s future…
The day of the christening arrives and Teresa is in a flurry of activity, dressing her daughters and getting herself ready. 9-year-old Gia wants to sport her silver Juicy Couture purse like a proper little hooker look-alike. T. wants Joe to help zip up her own dress but Joe is downstairs working on his priority – what else? – eating!
T. makes excuses for his grumpiness that morning by telling us he’s been working long hours at his new pizzeria. Hey, those pizzas ain’t gonna put pepperoni on themselves you know. She rubs some lotion on Joe’s face and he appreciatively responds, “What do ya got to put that sh*t on my face for?” Former Housewife Dina (who since left the show), is the baby’s godmother so it’s her duty to undress the fully dressed baby and redress her head to toe. T. says that’s some sort of Italian tradition, but I don’t remember that at my own christening. Of course, Dina follows through on the other Italian tradition of giving the baby her first pair of Gucci shoes. T. rubs the baby’s head with holy water while Dina tells her, “I think that’s the priest’s job.” Then the baby, in a long flowing white, ornate gown and big, ruffled, white bonnet is carried off, looking like a cross between Queen Elizabeth and Little Miss Muffet.
Joe hates it when his wife throws a party and is impatient with her insistence of capturing each moment in a photo. He holds the baby while a snapshot is taken of the loving moment and barks, “Hurry up – I got something up my nose.” On the way to the event, he tells Teresa, “Two pictures – that’s enough. The light hurts my eyes. I’m like King Kong – I start to go crazy.” Joe picked the perfect comparison – another uncivilized ape.
Upon entering the bash at The Brownstone, we see that T. has arranged to have a woman dressed as Marie Antoinette walk around serving sushi off her billowy skirt. Now, I’m confused – I thought Marie Antoinette said, “Let them eat cake” – not raw fish. But, then again, history wasn’t my strongest subject in school. With Chris Manzo as her “bitch” for the night, the event goes off beautifully including a first dance with mother, father, and baby Audriana. “This is insanity,” Caroline says, stunned. “I never heard of a first dance at a christening.” But then she probably realizes that Teresa is going to hear what she says when the show airs, so she quickly adds that it was nice and a touching to see.
Jacqueline cries because the event reminds her of when her own daughter, Ashley, was a baby. As she gives Ashley a hug, you can tell that Ashley is probably thinking how jealous she is that she doesn’t have a hat like baby Audriana’s. As a good time is had by all, Joe gives T. a sip of wine and says, “Good night.” When a surprised T. asks if he’s leaving, he says he’s going home. “I don’t want to see the bill.” That Joe, he’s such a jokester. He knows he’s not gonna pay it anyway. That’s what bankruptcy’s for.
Okay, so back to the Danielle and Kim G.’s simmering drama. Danielle takes her daughters to a diner for nice, homemade meal of burgers and fries and finds out from Christine that Teresa has been talking about Danielle wanting to find her birth mother. See, that’s what happens when you share information with the lady who does eyebrows in a salon– word leaks out. Everyone knows those eyebrow ladies can’t be trusted! At least the manicurists talk about you right in front of you – they just do it in Korean so you can’t understand. Danielle realizes Kim G. must have spilled the beans since she was the only one entrusted with her deep, dark secret. She’s so incensed at Kim G.’s betrayal that she tells the girls she has to leave to make a phone call right then and there. “Okay,” Christine responds as her mother scurries away, adding, “Nice family meal.” Somehow I think that kid is going to grow up to be okay despite her mother.
Danielle calls her ex-felon friend, Danny, who wants to know how “we’re gonna handle this?” “We’re?????” Considering that he served time in jail, when he mentions about “kicking her to the curb,” you get the feeling that Danny thinks he should literally kick Kim G. to the curb. Then maybe stomp on her once for good measure and leave her whimpering, broken body in the street. But Danielle does things her way and apparently sends a retaliatory email to a mutual acquaintance advising her not to be friends with Kim G. That sends Kim G. over the edge so she goes over to Jacqueline’s to vent. Jacqueline, her baby in her arms, answers the front door to find Kim G. in a tizzy, cursing up a storm. Wouldn’t it be cute if the baby’s first word turns out to be “mother——?” Spewing venom while playing with the baby, Kim G. announces that Danielle “can scratch my ass – the bitch. She could’ve had it made with me.” Uh oh, looks like she’s going to have to find someone new to date.
Danielle and Kim G. have a show-down at the O.K. Corral, otherwise known as Portobello’s restaurant. “She sucks,” Danielle tells us of Kim G. Just a half-hour before in the episode, wasn’t she just saying how much she loved her? Boy that girl can be moody. Danielle scolds Kim G. saying she never should have talked about something so private as her search for her birth mother with “those animals” Teresa and Jacqueline and gang. “I’m sick of you telling me what to do,” Kim counters. “You’re a God damn liar and a sneak, Danielle.” Kim G. ups the ante by throwing a cloth napkin at her. Danielle gets up to leave, but Kim G. isn’t going to let her get off so easy. Following her out of the restaurant, Kim G. yells, “I’ve had enough of your sh*t. You’re jealous….” Then, waiting until she’s in the parking lot, Kim G. calls to her, “Get outta here…with your ——– square t–s.” Hmmm, sounds like Danielle might make a good companion to SpongeBob SquarePants. Maybe Danielle should move out of Wayne and just go live in a pineapple under the sea.
Tune in next week when the group (sans Danielle) takes a trip to Venice and Joe gets in a gondola. All I can say is they better pack that boat with some meatball sandwiches or Joe’s not gonna like the ride.
For a recap of last week’s episode and others, see links below. Or go back to www.hudsonreporter.com for more Hudson County, NJ news.