(Dr. Norquist is on vacation this week. We are re-running a letter that was published earlier in this column)
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I have a stressful job and a demanding boss and I can’t seem to relax. Also, my company is merging with another, so I’m afraid my position will be cut. I’m always trying to do my best to please my boss in hopes that I will not be laid off. I leave for work early, and usually I don’t get home until 7:00 in the evening. My family also has demands on me and I feel guilty that I’m either not around for my kids’ activities, or I’m too tired to participate. Lately I’ve also been suffering from a pain in my lower back that is becoming more frequent. At night I often just lay there with thoughts and worries swirling around in my head. I know a lot of my struggles in life have to do with stress. Can you give me some practical advice in managing it?
Dr. Norquist responds:
The more we are focused on worldly activities and intrigues, the more restless we become. We tend to assume that happiness comes as a result of material goods or achievements or activities in the outside world. The truth is that nothing is ever enough in this world. No matter what it is that we achieve or accumulate or experience, we are always left wanting more. Our thirst is never quenched for long.
You seem to be looking for security. Can you ever really count on getting this from the outside world? Things may appear quite secure for awhile, but you can never know for sure when the winds of change will come along and leave you adrift again, searching for something else to cling to for your security. This approach to security leaves you full of tension and worries, unable to enjoy your life. You need to find a place of stillness within that you can go to, a way of detaching, and experiencing your own center – like a separate room you can go to inside yourself from which to “observe” your life. The more practiced you become at finding and maintaining this inner experience, the more peaceful and serene you will become. A moment of stillness can have great restorative power. Peacefulness is a spiritual quality and an inner attainment. It is of much greater value than most things we think are essential. However, it takes quite a bit of life experience to realize this.
Peacefulness requires two things: 1) the recognition that what you seek lies within, rather than out there in the world, and 2) persistent practice. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of consistent conscious practicing of whatever it is that you want to bring into your life. If you want peacefulness and serenity, then you need to stop practicing the habit of worry and tension. Worry only adds power to what is being worried about. If you wish to experience more relaxation in your life, then you need to drop the habit of worrying and tensing your muscles, and replace it with the habit of stretching, breathing deeply, and reminding yourself to be still and enjoy the present moment. There is no magic here. Change requires consistent, conscious effort. Think about it. Anything we do well in life is born of a skill that has been developed, over time, through consistent conscious effort. Why should relaxation be any different? It is not a skill that has been highly valued or encouraged enough in this achievement, production-oriented culture of ours.
You cannot be relaxed or peaceful if your body is rigid and tense. Conversely, you can’t be physically relaxed if you are in emotional turmoil. The body and the emotions work together. If you calm your mind, then your body relaxes. If you relax physically, your mind calms. The breath is the link between the two. This is why relaxation training always focuses heavily on the breath. Train yourself to stop and take a few deep breaths several times a day – perhaps every hour, on the hour. The breath relaxes both the body and the mind, and provides the nourishment necessary for replenishing your spirits. It gives us a moment to remember that place of inner stillness, where we are more in touch with what is important in life, and less caught up in the restless, off-balance frenzy of the outer world.
Relaxing doesn’t mean watching TV or conversing with someone while unconsciously holding yourself in a rigid and uncomfortable position. Practice self-observation. Scan your body to determine where in your body you habitually carry tension. Tension only adds to your fatigue and your feelings of not being able to cope. Learn to consciously relax those areas that you habitually tense. Slowly stretching these areas, while taking a deep breath will enhance your ability to relax these muscles. Hatha yoga is an extremely beneficial way to achieve a balanced state of relaxation and alertness. Remember, whatever state of body and mind you practice, whether consciously or unconsciously, will become your experience of life. So – practice becoming quiet for 5 to 15 minutes each day, and give yourself a break from the world.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed psychologist (NJ #2371) in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling Services, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling Services, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding health-related concerns. 2010 Chaitanya Counseling Services