Editor’s Note: Funny girl Eileen Budd of Hoboken is back with another recap of the “Real Housewives of NJ.” Watch what happens…and leave comments at the end!
Bling, Sing, and Zing
The main events of the evening were Teresa and Joe’s 10th year anniversary celebration, Danielle’s daughter Christine’s Sweet 16 party, and Ashley getting a court summons for her alleged assault on Danielle. We also get a glimpse of Albie working out in preparation to join the Police Academy, but, really, who cares about that? As Albie is taking his new law enforcement preparation seriously, his brother, Chris, takes the best approach by asking, “What do I have to do to be the macer?” Try dressing in drag and hanging out outside the entrance to the Lincoln Tunnel, Chris, and you’ll find out.
The Anniversary
Teresa tells us, “Joe better be planning a big surprise or no hanky-panky for a month.” Personally, I’d consider not having sex with Joe to be the best gift of all but T. wants a diamond. When Jacqueline makes a reference to the “crown jewels,” Theresa, showing her sophisticated worldliness, says, “No, that’s Arabic. Or is it Indian?” Poor Teresa, you’re confused. The fake gems glued on to the made-in-India purses you carry aren’t crown jewels.
Joe comes through for his wife by planning a special anniversary evening. First, he squeezes into some guido-looking shirt that he can barely get over his arms. “You gotta stop with the weights,” Teresa cautions him. No, Joe, you gotta stop with the sausage sandwiches, veal parmagiana, and cannollis.
As they get ready to go, T. says, “Gimme a kiss,“ to which Joe dismisses her with, “You got too much lipstick.” How can you not be in love with this romantic? They take a helicopter ride and T. asks, “Should we go to the Hamptons?” Joe responds, “They’re closed.” Uh, Joe, the Hamptons only told you they were closed. That’s how they keep out Jersey gavone riff-raff.
The night ends with a stay at a hotel in that luxurious resort town – Jersey City. After dinner in their room, Joe asks Teresa what she’d like for dessert. “You,” she gushes. How can she still have room for a zeppole after downing a big steak? But Joe has a trick up his sleeve. He sneaks a yellow diamond ring into a chocolate treat. When Teresa squeals in delight, the ever clever Joe tells her, “I got that from Yellowstone Park.” Cute, huh? But judging from his uncanny resemblance to Barney Rubble, I’d say he really picked it up in Jellystone Park.
Well, guess that’s one more thing that can go on the auction block in their bankruptcy sale.
The Sweet 16 Party
Danielle throws a big soiree for daughter Christine’s birthday. Not only are a couple hundred guests coming, but so is Danielle’s ex (Christine’s dad). Christine says she wants to donate the money she earns at the party to charity. Danielle looks at her like she’s crazy, because the only charity Danielle believes in is the Danielle Staub Temple of Worship. Younger daughter Jillian prepares a sweet song to sing to her sister (Danielle tells her, “You need to do it”). Of course, Danielle welcomes Jillian’s efforts to pay homage to her sibling by patting herself on the back. “I must be doing something right,” she tells the camera of her parenting skills. Oh yeah, Danielle, you’re a real star when it comes to motherhood– and that star would be Joan Crawford.
The bond between Danielle and her daughters is especially apparent when, as she’s getting her hair and makeup done, she reaches her arms out to Christine with, “I love you,” and Christine closes the door with no response.
When Danielle asks Jillian if she’s nervous before she gets on stage at the party, little Jillian answers, “Just a smidge.” What 11-year-old uses a word like “smidge?” Maybe she heard it from her mother. (Example: “Danielle, you’ve got a little white powder around your nose.“ “Oh, it’s just a smidge.”) She also tries to convince her 11-year-old to wear heels because “Suri Cruise wears heels.” Hey, if it’s acceptable enough for a Scientologist toddler, then it should be okay for a pre-pubescent Jersey girl, right?
Danielle makes sure she wears the gigantic engagement ring her ex gave her to flaunt in his new, much younger wife’s face. Why do I get the feeling that the jewel actually opens to reveal a cache of poisoned powder that Danielle will drop in the new wife’s champagne the first chance she gets? Anyway, the lavish party at a swank hotel goes swimmingly with massages, manicures, pedicures, make up, a band, and cupcakes for Christine’s friends. It kinda reminded me of my own Sweet 16 party – except for the massages, manicures, pedicures, make up, and band. Oh, and mine was in my parent’s kitchen in Nutley. And I’m not sure if we had cupcakes but I’m pretty sure we did have those little individual bags of Wise potato chips, which I didn’t see at Christine’s bash – so there, Danielle – and you have the nerve to say you’re “the best mom in the world?”
The Weave
Ashley gets a court summons for allegedly assaulting Danielle and whines, “I can’t believe she went to court over hair extensions.” As she reads the summons in her parents’ car, she mocks, “I’ll get you; I’ll kill you and your little dog too.” But Ashley must be confused. Instead of wearing the hat of the Wicked Witch of the West, she’s donning a droopy knit cap that makes her look like a hip-hop version of one of the Seven Dwarfs. Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it’s off to court you go….
Ashley, in her misguided self-confidence, strikes back, “I’m gonna counter sue her.” “For what?“ mother Jacqueline asks, to which Ashley responds, “I don’t know.” Way to go, Ashley. We can only hope that the hearing takes place in Judge Judy’s courtroom so Judge Judy can knock some common sense into whatever it is on top of your shoulders that’s lodged inside your dopey knit cap.
Next week: Teresa and Joe’s little zeppole gets christened with holy water and powdered sugar, and Kim G. yells at Danielle and her “—kin’ square t–s.” Sounds like a spiritual adventure.
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