Editor’s Note: Hoboken-based comedienne Eileen Budd is back with another recap of the North Jersey phenomenon that is the reality show “Real Housewives of New Jersey.” Can you believe that Bravo has milked this for 11 episodes already? Well, look at our hit count and you can see that this show is pretty popular! It’s fun to watch grown women act like middle schoolers. And now, here’s Eileen. Leave comments below.
Them’s Fighting Words
I recently returned from a lovely, calming retreat only to catch up with the Housewives’ antics. My nerves are now jangled again, thank you very much. Since my editor was kind enough to do a brief recap of the episode of the second part of the fight at the country club, I’ll keep my comments about it brief before going on to the most recent episode.
The fight was just ludicrous, but the words that came out of the women’s mouths were gems. When Teresa puts her hand up and moves her neck back and forth as she talks, Danielle asks her, “What is that ghetto thing you’re doing?” Teresa’s answer sums it up. “I’m from Patterson.” So was Lou Costello, one of my favorite comedians of all time, who is probably now spinning in his grave. And since Costello was half of that iconic duo Abbott & Costello, maybe it’s time to revisit their whole “Who’s on first” routine, but update it NJ Housewives style:
“Who’s on first, bitch?”
“No, bitch is on second, you coke whore.”
“What, you whore tramp?”
“What is on third, you prostitution skank.”
“Oh yeah, honey?”
“Honey? That came out of left field.”
“That’s because honey is the left fielder, scuzzball.”
“No, scuzzball is the pitcher, you old hag bitch.”
“I don’t give a damn what you say, stank ho.”
“I told you – what is on third, you nasty slut. I don’t give a damn is the short stop.”
And I’ll stop short there.
Anyway, Teresa chases Danielle around the country club (someone tells her, “You’re like a gazelle!”) until Danielle breaks a heel on her dominatrix boots and Ashley pulls out part of Danielle’s weave, calling out to her, “Love and light. Stay in the positive, bitch.” Awww, that was really sweet of Ashley to send warm wishes.
Danielle, hysterical, calls the cops crying that her hair was pulled. When the cop asks if she’s hurt, she replies, “I am emotionally really messed right now.” Truer words were never spoken. By the way, does anyone know the police code for a weave pull?
11-12? No, that’s for a dead animal. Close enough.
So Danielle decides to press charges against Ashley, Jacqueline, and Teresa as she recounts the story to her ex-felon friend, Danny. “It’s like a mental institution without the medication.” Danny says he would’ve been back in jail had he been there. Something tells me one day Danny might suffer that fate regardless.
Teresa regales zeppole husband Joe with the fight story while she leans over a pool table seducing him with her fake boobs. “I did good,” T. proudly exclaims. Yeah, Teresa, you did good – you’re a regular Mother Teresa.
Jacqueline gets an energy clearing from Danielle’s energist, Sarah Lee or Sari with a Fringe on Top, or whatever the hell her made-up name was – but Jacqueline only pretends to go along with the healing while she sits in her car playing video games on her phone. Later, her husband, Chris, has a serious talk with Ashley, telling her she can’t do whatever she wants to do because now it’s going to cost money to hire a lawyer. Ashley takes it all in and responds with her usual deep insight, “Whatever.” I have to admit as delighted as I was to see Chris tell Ashley to shut her mouth, I was a bit distracted by what he was wearing around his neck. Were those rosary beads? And I thought Ashley was the trendsetter with her jaunty knit caps. Who knew her stepfather was capable of making such a spiritually guided fashion statement?
Best smack talk of the episode? Teresa telling Danielle (via the camera), “Your house needs to be renovated. Look at your stanky house. You walk in and it smells like dog.” Hmmm, and we all know a female dog is a bitch, bitch.
Tales from the Crypt
Well, Danielle takes boxing lessons so she can properly defend herself against all the evil people waiting to tear out her hair extensions. “It only takes one smack to the head to never have a person walk again,” she ominously observes. Now that’s real smack talk!
Teresa goes to Posche to apologize to Kim D. about the fight at her fashion show. Then Kim G. comes in with a sleeveless blue fur vest and purple knit cap channeling her inner Sonny Bono. No sooner do the strains of “I Got You Babe” waft through my brain than Teresa pulls me back to the present with her feelings about the fight. “I wanted to bitch slap the bitch.” Way to go, T., for using bitch as both an adjective and a noun in the same sentence! Teresa did feel bad about the way she treated Kim G. though (who was just trying to make nice between T. and Danielle). “I regret pushing Kim G.,” Teresa tells the camera. “I do respect the elderly.” Wow, that must’ve stung Kim G. considering an elderly person would never have her fine fashion sense. For instance, I can never remember my Italian nonna in anything sleeveless, let alone furry and blue – or even anything that wasn’t black accompanied by rolled down stockings for that matter.
Age discrimination seems to be the order of the day because soon after Ashley and her boyfriend are discussing Danielle when Ashley says, “She’s like the crypt keeper.” To which her boyfriend replies, “Is she 50?” C’mon kids, don’t you know that 50 is the new 30? Ashley goes on to report that Danielle already has new hair extensions and wonders who’s paying for them. Uh, that would be your stepfather, Ashley. Danielle is gonna sue you and your mother and she’s gonna buy a whole wig store with the money she’s gonna get from the settlement. And then your poor stepfather won’t have any money left to pay for his trendy rosary bead necklaces.
Danielle talks to her attorneys and she’s feeling all righteous because she has witnesses to vouch for how she was being chased mercilessly by Teresa, Jacqueline, and Ashley. “Cave women act like that,” she emphasizes to the camera. Not so, Danielle. Cave women don’t wear jaunty knit caps like Ashley – but they do have a bigger vocabulary.
To add some levity to the episode, we get to see Teresa’s daughters make a pizza with their father, Joe, at his brand new pizzeria. “You’re the best pizzeria guy,” one of them compliments. No wonder – if anyone knows about dough, it’s a zeppole!
They take a tour of the apartment upstairs and Teresa is appalled that the quarters are so small. You better get used to it, T. With bankruptcy looming, you may well be living above that pizzeria soon!
Tune in next week for Danielle’s Sweet 16 celebration. Maybe Danielle and her daughter can trade tube tops and leggings and go out on the town. I’m sure they can pick up some nice guys at Game Stop.
For recaps of prior episodes, see the links below! To read about what’s going on in Hudson County, N.J., click back on The Hudson Reporter newspapers, based in Hoboken.