Editor’s Note: Welcome to another recap of the ‘Real Housewives’ by a local comedienne, the talented Eileen Budd. Join her once again as she takes Hudson Reporter readers on a tour through the ‘cleansiest’ show around!
Girls Fights Are Always in Fashion
The opening scene is at an Italian restaurant – surprise! – with Caroline catching up with two of her sisters (one of whom has a nickname, so they’re Franny and Zooey or Cookie & Monster – or something like that). The one with the nickname orders a Coke with a shot of wine in it. The other sister feels obligated to explain to the waiter that it’s an Italian thing to do. You can see from the Italian waiter’s face that he’s thinking, Uh, no, that’s an American white trash thing to do.
Caroline is all upset this episode not only about Albie flunking out of law school but about her children in general. Seems they’ve grown up and don’t need her anymore, leaving her with no purpose in life except to incessantly scrub down the kitchen counter as she ponders how she’s going to fill the emptiness inside her.
As she pushes a dishrag around and around on the granite, you feel her struggle to find meaning in a world where she no longer sorts Albie’s socks or irons Christopher’s boxer shorts. She whimpers to husband Albert, who offers the kindly advice to have another baby (probably only if he doesn’t have to be the donor). She wistfully asks him if he would retire instead to spend more time with her. As she wipes away the imaginary last flakes of her dried up uterus from a now gleaming countertop, her husband turns down her request. “I’m gonna die working,” he replies, no doubt because he doesn’t want to spend any additional time with her or her humongous ta-tas.
He apparently would prefer to be exhausted working 16 hour days at The Brownstone than be exhausted sexually servicing Caroline at half-hour intervals because she is bored and has nothing better to do.
Danielle is busy stirring up a bubbling batch of trouble in her crazytown cauldron of a mind. She finds out that frenemy Kim D., owner of the store where she buys her whorey clothes, is planning a fashion show and invited Teresa and Jacqueline. What a betrayal! (I’m not sure if Kim named her shop Posche after her favorite Spice Girl or after the luxury car, but either way she got it wrong.) Danielle goes barging into Posche in a tizzy only to find some unfamiliar drone of a clerk behind the counter who is apparently unaware of Danielle’s uppercrust role in society. Danielle tells her pre-teen daughter on the phone how horrendously she’s being treated by the shop girl, then marches back in demanding to have Kim call her. Alas, she fails to give her name and the trembling shop girl doesn’t know which ugly stepsister of Cinderella’s she is — Drizella or Anastasia. And Kim D. just missed Danielle because she was next door paying her water bill, so she’ll have enough water to flush her reputation down the toilet.
Then Kim D. has the audacity to ask Jacqueline’s daughter, Ashley, to walk in the fashion show. Ashley unashamedly says, “I’ve considered modeling because of my height.” I think you should model, Ashley — you’d be perfect as a mannequin. You display the same range of emotions.
Meanwhile, can someone tell me what’s going on with Kim D.’s nose? Did she get it stuck in a pencil sharpener?
Okay, so what are Teresa and Jacqueline up to? They’re working out, trying to lose their baby weight, because Teresa complains that “Sex is the only exercise I get.” So there they are lifting some dumbbells (no, not their husbands) until they decide it’s time to quit and have wine. Who is taking care of their babies – E & J Gallo?
Kim D. calls Danielle to make amends. While Danielle rants, her lap dogs look like they’re praying for someone to take them back to the rescue shelter. Appeased by the leggings and boots gods, Danielle decides that she will attend the fashion show after all and bestow an honor on the plebeians of Wayne.
Finally, the day of the fashion show is here and Ashley is busy getting her hair and make up done. Almost ready to go on the runway, Kim D. spots her and tells her, “You look gorgeous. It takes a long time to put it together, but when it’s done, you look gorgeous.” I’m not sure, but was that a compliment? Anyway, Ashley is nervous because she’s afraid she’ll trip. When she doesn’t wear her knit cap, it throws her off balance.
Kim G. (the other blonde frenemy) arrives at Danielle’s in a long black limo like she’s picking up her lesbian prom date. Danielle is all worked up trying to make Kim G. understand the danger she’s putting her life in by attending the fashion show. “There’s an animal thrown in with the women – Teresa – she’s an animal.” Danielle finds it necessary to have new bodyguard, Dennis, escort her into the country club where the fashion show is being held in the event someone tries to steal her glass slipper – er, boot – away from her. As Danielle makes her way to her table, she stops to greet all the people of Wayne who know her so well. “I felt such warmth,” Danielle says. But maybe it’s just the burning sensation from a urinary tract infection.
Kim D. disses Danielle by sitting with Teresa and Jacqueline all night, so Danielle ignores her by pretending to talk on her cell. “Paris Hilton taught me that – pretend to be busy on the phone.” Paris probably taught her how to do that by doing it to her. The two camps throw icy stares at each other throughout the night. Teresa says it’s like high school “but we were the cool girls.”
Danielle is disgusted with Ashley stalking her and sarcastically tells Ashley’s mother Jacqueline via the camera, “Great job parenting.” No, great job to you, Danielle! You complained to your 12-year-old about how horribly you were treated by a middle-aged store clerk who’s probably just trying to make enough money to buy cat food for the 32 strays she’s taken in.
Well, before the episode ends, of course, it has to happen….. Not content to just go home and call it a night, Teresa goes and sits in a chair in the hallway waiting for Danielle to come out so she can say hello. She’s just trying to be friendly, after all. Uh huh, and BP’s CEO is really sorry about those tar balls that will be washing up along the Passaic River any day now. When Danielle is hesitant to respond to Teresa, T. goads her on by calling her “honey.” When Danielle tells her not to call her “honey,” Teresa starts yelling, “I don’t want to call you honey, ‘cuz you’re an old hag. Is ‘bitch’ better?”
And so we are enticed to tune in for the next episode when the feud escalates and someone undoubtedly goes home with the floral centerpiece shoved up their behind.
For recaps of the other episodes, click HERE.