(Dr. Norquist is on vacation. We are re-running a letter that was published earlier in this column.)
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I am in love with a man at work and have been for over four years. The first few years were great – we would talk and laugh non-stop for hours and had a lot of fun together. He was my best friend. Then he started pulling away and avoiding me. I’ve tried for the past two years to get back to where we were before but he doesn’t seem interested. He hasn’t even given me a reason why. He just avoids me in the halls, over the phone, at meetings, etc. I feel so hurt and rejected. I’m miserable most of the time. How do I let him go? There’s no one else I like. I’m always obsessing about him, about where he is, what he’s doing, who he’s with, why he isn’t with me, etc. I can’t give up on him.
Dr. Norquist responds:
You must choose to let go. This entails a shift in the energy you direct towards this man – in your thoughts, feelings and behavior. You may not agree with his decision to vacate the relationship, but you must accept it. He has made a decision regarding where he is directing his energy, and intentions. You cannot force him to change. As you know, a healthy relationship cannot exist without a commitment from both parties. For your own well being, you must choose to move on. To do otherwise is to punish yourself, and keep yourself tethered to feelings of loss, rejection and abandonment. You then adorn yourself with these feelings, the cloak of this rejected identity, and it becomes your personal experience of life. Life is so much grander then this. Choose to drop these feelings – choose life in the present, in full bloom. Every apparent loss we experience contains an unexpected gain – although it may not always be clear initially what the gain is.
Let yourself emotionally move through the death of this relationship so that you can experience the birth that comes in its’ wake. Life has much to teach us about death and rebirth. This is much easier to learn when you give up your resistance and accept what is. Choose to embrace whatever life brings your way. Whatever it is, it is a gift that you can use for your growth.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed psychologist (NJ #2371) in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling Services, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling Services, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding health-related concerns. 2010 Chaitanya Counseling Services