Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’d like to know your thoughts on marriage. With the upcoming Valentine’s Day holiday, I’ve been thinking about relationships more. Why do people get married when it is so acceptable to just live together? I can live with my boyfriend, be committed, and even share finances/bills without marriage. Why do you think marriage is important?
Dr. Norquist responds:
You ask a good question; “why marriage?” I’d be happy to share my thoughts on this subject. Historically marriage has served a variety of purposes including assuring the proper means and conditions for rearing children, surviving adverse physical or financial circumstances, preserving or enhancing one’s social class, and maintaining cultural/religious heritage. Under these circumstances, love was not considered a requirement for marriage.
Currently, it is common to have sexual relations and to live together without a marital commitment. Hence your question – why marriage? Marriage requires a commitment. It requires both parties to say, “Yes, I will commit my heart and mind, before God, to sharing and creating a life with this partner, through good times and through bad times. This commitment gives both parties a shared purpose, a direction in which to travel. The emotional/legal/financial investment of marriage encourages the couple to make it a priority to work through the hard times rather than just walk away.
We reap what we sow. Without commitment, without an investment of our hearts, we live life on the surface. This leads to a poverty of spirit, so to speak, a shallow life lacking in depth and vitality and meaning. Commitment from both partners provides a safe haven, where both partners feel trusting enough to open their hearts to experience a richer sense of intimacy then would be possible otherwise. Marriage provides a means for experiencing love-in-action. As such, it can give us a glimpse of God. It is a forum for learning the lessons of love.
Of course, marriage is not without great risk, and it is not for everyone. With the right attitude and timing and the right partner, marriage is life enhancing. If the situation is not right, it can be a nightmare. Either way, we have many opportunities to learn and grow. Thanks for your question!
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed psychologist (NJ #2371) in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling Services, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling Services, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding health-related concerns. 2010 Chaitanya Counseling Services