Yoga is a bitch. The joints, man, those joints. You lay off a few decades and everything stiffens. My liftoff is a joke. Five feet tops, then I crash, face first. Never learned how to land properly. They used to shove pain pills down my throat, push me right back out there. Shooting schedules, budget, all that crap. Now there are union rules. Got a cigarette?
You do what you have to. When Disney called, I was shocked. Hadn’t heard from those bastards in like forever. The pitch blew my mind. They wanted to do another film featuring Tinkerbell as a free-roaming sprite who did good deeds. Gag me. But the upfront money sounded good, I’d get a cut of overseas profits, and there’d be a double for the difficult loops I used to do. Where the hell they found another blonde, shapely flying fairy, God only knows. I stated the obvious – it’s been eons since I’ve been sprite-like. Some days I can barely get up the energy to food shop. My feet swell in the morning and I’ve got a bit of a gut. Plus, all the makeup in the world won’t disguise these laugh lines.
They didn’t seem to care. Evidently every friggin’ iconic character from these suits’ childhoods is a rich source worth mining, which translates into big bucks. Uncle Scrooge and Pinocchio were also contacted and close to signing contracts. I guess The Little Mermaid, with her three-picture deal, triggered this stampede.
What really appealed to me was the lack of plans for that diva Peter Pan and those snotty kids. Captain Hook, the only one with a brain, owns a resort in Boca and last I heard was cleaning up. Him I could work with.
Here’s the thing – call me stupid, but I got caught up with Madoff and lost a bundle. Hell, the guy sounded sincere, we had a few drinks over candlelight, I was lonely. Next thing I know, I wake up with my panties in a ball in the corner and he’s gone, along with my life savings invested in that farce of a hedge fund. So yeah, I’m pretty much broke except for a stinking residual when they replay the movie.
As long as they don’t shove Seth Rogen into this project, I’m game. If I can just get this crick out of my neck. You do massage? Just between you and me, when Johnny Depp heard about this project, he begged to play me. What is it with this guy and tights? – Joe Del Priore
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