Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’m writing to you because I’m overreacting to some of my daughter’s very adolescent behaviors and its wrecking havoc on our relationship. I’ve done a lot of thinking and journaling about this and I think the main problem is that I’m having trouble controlling my anxiety regarding her safety. Instead of managing my own anxiety, I’ve been trying to control her. As you can imagine this doesn’t go over well with a spirited 15 year-old! She is diabetic and has to very careful with her food and insulin intake. Now that she is in the midst of the teen years she has not been as careful with what she eats and drinks. Her safety in this regard worries me constantly. The trouble is, my anxiety has become unreasonable – I worry about all kinds of possible dangers when she goes out at night. It has interfered with my sleep. She and I are arguing almost daily. She very much resents my overprotective and controlling behavior. I know I would also if I were in her shoes. Unlike me she is not a cautious person. In fact she is quite courageous. She is interested in fully experiencing what life has to offer. As a teenager sometimes lacking in good judgment, this has gotten her into trouble. It also feeds my anxiety immeasurably.
I guess what I really need is advice regarding how to control my anxiety regarding my daughter’s health and safety so that I can do a better job of mothering her during these trying adolescent years.
Dr. Norquist responds:
Your letter shows much insight on your part. Give yourself credit for the wisdom, love, and dedication that you are bringing to this situation. You are taking responsibility for your part in her adolescent struggles and as a wise, loving and dedicated mother you are willing to confront your own inner demons – for your daughter’s well being. The parenting path always provides multiple opportunities for personal growth. These are growth opportunities that may have never arisen if you had not taken up the mantle of parenting. Often they are also extremely trying growth opportunities, as they reverberate in the core of our hearts. Your willingness to acknowledge and take responsibility for the growth crisis you are in the midst of shows much maturity and courage on your part. Do not underestimate your own courage here!
I’m very impressed with your analysis of this situation. You wisely ascertain that what you need to focus on controlling here is your own impulse to control your daughter’s behavior. In other words, it is yourself you need to control rather than your daughter’s behavior. This is good news! You can develop control over your own behavior, whereas you will never have control over another person’s behavior. This is the dilemma that addicts and their loved ones struggle with. If your husband was an alcoholic you would not be able to stop him from drinking, if drinking was what he chooses to do. However, there would naturally be quite a strong, anxiety-ridden desire on your part to try to control his drinking behavior. Alcoholics struggle with a seemingly uncontrollable impulse to drink. Getting control over your behavior will require a careful analysis of what triggers your impulse to control as well as an awareness of the way in which your controlling behavior manifests. I’d suggest that you start chronicling your anxiety as it arises, noting what the trigger is and in what way your impulse to control your daughter’s behavior arises.
The clearer you are on your anxiety triggers and the ways you act out your controlling behavior, the easier it will be for you to step out of your old behavior patterns. When you are consciously aware that you are about to engage in a destructive behavior, there is a powerful moment where you can avoid the old pattern and consciously choose to do something else. The first choice needs to be to take a deep breath. This will give you time to reflect rather than acting impulsively. The next step is to develop alternative ways of managing your anxiety as it arises. This is akin to the alcoholic’s need to find other ways of managing feelings and situations that they used to deal with by drinking. You need to come up with a ready list of alternative actions you can take when your anxiety and impulse to control your daughter’s behavior arises. This list could include taking time out to breathe deeply and center yourself, asking God to take responsibility for protecting her and keeping her safe, inwardly repeating an affirmation, sharing the moment with your husband or a trusted friend, physically moving away from the situation to give yourself space, listening to your favorite music, etc. Keep your list nearby. It’s hard to think clearly in anxiety-ridden situations, so having a list to turn to will make it easier for you to practice new responses. Be patient with yourself as you are establishing new behavior patterns for yourself. You will, of course, make mistakes. Everyday is a new day for practicing with new resolve. Step-by-step, you will get there. I know you will! Please write again with any further questions that arise.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed psychologist (NJ #2371) in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling Services, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling Services, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding health-related concerns. 2009 Chaitanya Counseling Services