(Dr. Norquist is on vacation this week. We are re-running a letter that was published earlier in this column.)
Dear Dr. Norquist:
My husband’s employer recently told him that if he wants to stay with the company, he has to move to North Carolina to work in their new location. This has been very upsetting for me. I have never liked changes, or losses. My family lives in Hudson County, I grew up here, and I don’t want to leave. I have been having trouble sleeping since hearing this news, and spend a lot of time worrying, thinking how I’ll miss everyone and everything around me. We just recently got the house fixed the way we like it. I can’t let my husband go without me – I’ll miss him too much. I’m having so much trouble dealing with this change that was forced upon me. I can’t stand feeling so unhappy all the time. What can I do?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Change is a constant. We can try to fight it – but we are only deceiving ourselves to think we have a chance of winning. It’s like being in the midst of a swiftly flowing river, and thinking you can fight the flow and stay in one place. It is human nature to become attached to the everyday structure of our lives. To one extent or another, we rely on the regularity of our everyday lives for our sense of identity, our role, our security in life. There is an ebb and flow to life. The seasons are always changing. When we look at change or fluidity in our current situations from a fear-filled place, from a place where regularity is preferred, we cause feelings of pain, uncertainty, fear and discontent. In seeing your life experience as a joyous opportunity to dance through the wonders of creation, this same fluidity is experienced as charged with opportunity, excitement, and a sense of wonder.
Begin releasing your need for predictability, for it cannot be demanded without a price. Predictability can only be gained by sacrificing opportunities for growth, and diminishing your life force energy. With the right attitude, contentment can be found in both the calms of the sea and the storms of the sea. Prepare yourself for change by encouraging it to dance through your life. Allow change to provide you with choices and opportunities, while you become more and more aware of a deeper, inner experience that remains constant and is not affected by the surface waters of change.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed psychologist (NJ #2371) in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling Services, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling Services, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding health-related concerns. 2009 Chaitanya Counseling Services