Note: I was going through my old columns the other day and came across this nugget from November 2001 – apparently the last time the sky was falling and the economy had clogged itself in the ol’ septic tank. I share it with you now for two reasons. One is that it’s still apt and may be of use to the greenhorn pink slippers who were busy chugging beer bongs and listening to O.A.R. with their frat buddies the last time we went through an economic downturn, but also to illustrate the fact that we’ve been through this crap before and always seem to find a way to weather it.
Hell, I’m still here to tell the tale – of course that might have more to do with the fact that I’m some sort of miserable cockroach, impervious to even the worst hellstorms society can conjure…
Anyway, take from this what you will:
Nothing promotes a healthy working environment like the omnipresent, overpowering fear of being laid off.
A few months ago I had the pleasure of reading in The New York Times that my company was purging 11 percent of its workforce, which totaled about 400 people (the 9 to 5 gig, not my good friends at The Hudson Current, who would never think of dumping me – I hope). I thought perhaps a memo or an email would have been a bit more subtle, but they thought a press release was the way to go.
And recently, apparently in an effort to avoid proving The New York Times wrong, those purges have begun. Like many industries the magazine industry is in the toilet, with nobody spending money on advertising because they need that money to pay for stuff like paper clips, staples, and extra security to safely escort recently laid off employees from the premises.
Week after week my office is filled with tissue-sniffing crybabies and hypertensive head cases that have the fear of God in them every Friday afternoon. Because everyone knows you should always fire people on a Friday – that way they’ll have all weekend to listen to their family nag them about losing their job.
Yet while some people are smearing the blood of paschal lambs on their cubicles praying for the plague to pass them over, others are embracing the potential freedom that comes with an impending layoff.
And why are these happy few so eager to be amongst the ranks of the underemployed??? Because they’ve been there before, and they know what they’re doing. For the benefit of those of you who are ignorant of the bliss that comes with this furlough from forced labor, I offer the following tips for a happy layoff experience:
Layoff tips
1) Always leave a large, empty duffel bag at your desk. Nothing is more embarrassing than getting on the train with that tiny, overflowing “I just got laid off” cardboard box they give you–except maybe the pathetic “back the next day” clean out, in which case you’re definitely getting the security escort and cavity search.
2) Don’t plan anything for the first week or two. You’ll need time to get used to your new schedule. Don’t risk hurting yourself by trying to get back into the work force too quickly. This is why they give you a severance.
3) Know your daytime television schedule. I would recommend the 11 a.m. Sportscenter, followed by some sort of world news, a quick search of the movie channels, and then Comedy Central for The Kids in the Hall at 2 p.m. Just do your best to steer clear of Ricki, Jenny, Rosie and by all means Oprah… those sisters are just plain wrong, girlfriend!!! (remember, this was originally written in ’01–that was like three Rosie O’Donnell Shows ago…)
4) Keep an updated list of underemployed friends. You want to know who else is around to play with, but you don’t want to alienate another friend who might be bitter about still having a job.
5) Have an alternative source of income. Try finding a job with minimal hours and “under the table” cash payment so you can still get unemployment – perhaps light construction, bounty hunting, or running errands for organized crime.
6) Maintain access to the internet. That way you can look for a new job (eventually), still “BS” with your friends on e-mail (which is probably all you ever did anyhow), and when you’re really bored you can log onto www.hudsonreporter.com and check out all the past issues of “Hal Wastes His Wages.”
7) Last but not least – Fuhgetaboutit!!! Don’t bang your head against the wall worrying about the situation. Once this economic hiccup is over, there will be plenty of opportunity for an unskilled, unmotivated slacker like you to make the big bucks again.
By keeping these lucky seven pearls of wisdom in mind when you get your walking papers, you’ll ensure that your layoff experience will be an enjoyable one. Oh, and speaking of paper, I just stopped by The Office (306 Washington St., Hoboken) and picked up some new résumé paper ($13.50/box of 50 sheets). As of press time, I haven’t lost my job yet. But this comes out on Thursday, who knows what Friday afternoon might bring.
Nostalgic, isn’t it? To quote Bob Dylan, “Ah, but I was so much older then, I’m younger then that now…”
Hang in there, baby!
HALLERON
Christopher M. Halleron, freelance writer/bitter bartender, writes a biweekly humor column for The Hudson Current and websites in the New York Metro area. He spends a lot of his time either in front of or behind the bar in Hoboken, New Jersey where his tolerance for liquor grows stronger as his tolerance for society is eroded on a daily basis. Feel free to drop him a line at c_halleron@yahoo.com and comment on his column below.