Editor’s note: This is an advice column for men and women who want a real opinion. Due to the saturated singles scene in Hudson County, the Current has found a relationship guru who will help with all your dating dilemmas. Look for advice here every other week.
Dear Ms. Fix-It:
My girlfriend has a tongue piercing, and though that probably turns a lot of guys on, I’m not one of those guys. Every time I kiss her, it just grosses me out. Something about it is just … I don’t know, gross? It’s like I’m digging it, and then suddenly there’s this piece of hard metal, and it’s not real attractive when she’s eating … It just seems unnatural and wrong somehow. I don’t like the look or even the idea of it. I’m actually pretty turned off by it. It’s just kind of repulsive. I brought it up one time, and she acted like I was crazy. She thinks it’s the hottest thing ever, and she thinks that I should think the same thing. I care about this girl. She’s really sweet and it’s just this one thing that bothers me so much. I really like being with her and she’s so smart, and this just seems like something that’s trendy that she won’t even want in another year or two. But what about the meanwhile? How am I supposed to pretend it’s not bothering me like it is, or make her realize how much it bothers me, because she obviously doesn’t get it? That’s not even talking about the fact that this thing could get infected. I don’t even want to think about it! I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I can’t deal with this much longer – Not Loving It
Dear Not Loving It:
To tell you the truth, you sound a little anal and germophobic to me, so you might begin by just relaxing on that a bit. Having said that, I have to agree with you. I find tongue piercings a little gross, and actually quite distracting. Unfortunately, you and I can’t force that opinion on your girlfriend. Really, what kind of guy would you be if you made her get rid of it?
However, you need to make it clear to her how much it bothers you…to do less is unfair to both of you. Show her the letter you wrote to me if you have to…just get your point across without being a jerk about it. She may hate the idea of turning you off enough to change how she feels about her piercing.
If not, however, it’s time to dig deep and try to make peace with it. Are you really willing to lose someone you care about over an accessory?
Dear Ms. Fix-It:
Before I say anything, you should know that I’m not some anti-social outcast or freak who can’t be around people or talk to girls, but I do look for dates online. I just don’t have time and effort to spend out at bars where I’ll spend an hour talking to a girl and she’ll walk away without giving me so much as a number. It just seems like a waste of time. I want to connect with someone, and that means looking elsewhere. The girls at my college are all wrapped up in themselves, or the ones that are cool all have boyfriends. I work part-time at a law firm, so that’s not the right place to meet someone. Dating online isn’t all bad, but I run into my fair share of weirdos! I’ve had some decent dates, but no luck so far longer term. But there has to be some way for this to work. Websites are cool because you meet people who share your interests that you might never meet otherwise. I’ve only been looking online for a couple months, but I don’t know what’s better to do. Should I try those sites that match you up or online personals or what? So what’s the best way for me to try to find a nice girl online who’s cool and that isn’t putting up a picture of some supermodel trying to pass it off as her? – Drifting in Cyber Space
Dear Drifting in Cyber Space:
Uh…I don’t know. Good question!! Let me know when you figure that out.
You’re not alone in the feeling that it’s impossible to meet people. It’s surprising how many very eligible singles are in the same boat as you are.
But honestly, stop friggin’ worrying about it! Have fun with your friends, do well at work, and enjoy your life. The rest will come. I know that’s a little more Zen than it is helpful, but it happens to be the truth.
You can continue to look online and put yourself out there, but you must stop obsessing! First of all, it’s unhealthy for you. Secondly, we women can smell that desperation on you from a mile away. Not only will we run from you, we will also make fun of you later with our friends.
Dear Ms. Fix-It:
I want to break up with my girlfriend. We’ve been together for two years, but we’ve barely seen each other, maybe once a month over the last six months. We live about an hour and a half away from each other, but we always made time to visit one another when we started out. I’ve always worked hard to keep this relationship going because I care about her, but I don’t want to admit it’s over to myself, so how do I get up the courage to tell her it’s over? I don’t want it to end, but I get the feeling we both know it’s coming. We talk every day on the phone, but it’s not like it used to be. I don’t know how to go about this. I want to go to her place and see her, but if I try to do it in person, I’m worried I’ll chicken out. And then if I try to do over the phone, I’m afraid she’ll start crying, and I won’t be able to take not being able to comfort her and try to take the edge off. I don’t want to lose her as a friend – I don’t want to lose her as a girlfriend either, but it’s getting very painfully clear that we’ve grown apart and should go our separate ways. We’re not a part of each other’s lives like we used to be. We’re more just … taking each other for granted, like furniture. (That sounds worse than it is.) But I don’t want to hurt her feelings so bad that she can’t stay friends with me. I want us to be close and keep on good terms, so how do I tell her I want to end it in the most harmless way possible? – Mr. Optimistic
Dear Mr. Optimistic:
‘Dear Ms. Fix-It: I want to break up with my girlfriend.’
I stopped reading after that. It’s a pretty good rule of thumb that you should break up with someone that you want to break up with. Your specific reasons are irrelevant. (I didn’t really stop reading, but you get the point.) Oh, Mr. Optimistic, all break-ups are tough! It’s very painful for both of you, the girl cries (sometimes you both cry), you feel like crap for a few weeks (sometimes even months), your friends try to cheer you up…etc., etc.
There is no getting around the fact that it will be unpleasant, you just have to rip off the bandage! As you’ve pointed out, what you have with this girl is no longer a relationship, so the actual break-up is just a formality. The longer you drag it out, the longer you postpone real happiness. It’s as simple as that. Stop being a drama queen about it and get it done.
Ms. Fix-it, a.k.a. Hilary Morris, is a writer, actress, and expert mixologist. She spends her time doling out advice to many of Hudson County’s singles when she’s slinging drinks. While she doesn’t consider herself an expert on relationships, she has survived plenty of heartbreak. Tell her your problem!
If you have any questions that you would like answered by Ms. Fix-it, please submit them to current@hudsonreporter.com. Please put in the subject line “Ms. Fix-it.” The Current reserves the right to edit any letters for content or clarity.