Dear Sir:
I am writing to complain about your educational series of lectures, which I have been attending for months. I followed all the instructions and took notes, and all I have to show for it is wasted time and money for materials. I feel your home improvement chain should take a good long look at the incompetence of its instructors.
Sincerely,
Tom Selman
Dear Mr. Selman:
We are in receipt of you letter about our valuable educational series and we appreciate your feedback. It would help if you were more specific about your concerns.
Respectfully,
Hammond L. Wilcox, Customer Service
Dear Mr. Wilcox:
Specifically, my tiles won’t caulk, my screen door hangs lopsided, my porch deck leaks, and the new doorknobs are loose. Also, the entire addition I put on my garage collapsed during a windstorm. Is that specific enough?
Your Former Customer,
Tom Selman
Dear Mr. Selman:
Regarding your complaints, perhaps your material was substandard.
Sincerely,
Hammond L. Wilcox
Mr. Wilcox,
I bought all this crap at your store. That includes the warped paneling in my study. Are you going to blame me for that too?
Tom Selman
Mr. Selman:
Perhaps you’re just not handy. Warped is a relative term in this business.
Hammond L. Wilcox
Wilcox,
First off, lose the L. Second, I’d like evidence of every single thing you’ve ever built. Let me view your caulking. Show me your banisters. Where’s that carpet you put down? Kitchen cabinets holding up okay? When Channel went bankrupt, it was a national disaster. THEIR instructors knew how to explain things. As opposed to your guys, who rattle through a toilet installation so fast you can’t get the full picture. I deeply resent your insinuation that I am not handy. You beast.
Thomas I. Selman
Dear Tom,
Chill, brother. I don’t do my own work. I hire people. Maybe you should check out Staples’ lectures on color copying.
H.L.W.
Hammond,
Being divorced, being under stress at my job, I am under such pressure you would not believe. I am sensitive about doing guy stuff. I’m jealous of those guys with enormous hairy forearms they let dangle out of the car window as they whisk past with five gallons of paint on the back seat and stacks of wood tied to their trunk cover. The kind of guys you’d trust your family with during a typhoon. I HATE being thin and pasty, unable to properly use power tools. I despise my forearms. I should have spent high school under cars or in woodsheds instead of running track. So your lectures were very important to me. Maybe I was a bit defensive.
Regretfully,
Tom
Dear Tom,
I did picture you as a track guy. Don’t be so negative. There’s a fine line between pale and pasty. My cousin is pale, but looks pasty in the wrong light. I, myself, always enjoyed mime, so I didn’t fit in either. Even did some street busking as a mime. You really built your own banisters?
Your buddy,
Hammond
Dear H.
I LOVE mimes! It’s what broke up my marriage. You say you perform? I could never get up the nerve. Actually, my brother installed the banisters. He gets on my nerves. I’m thinking coffee sometime. What say you? We can compare notes on latex versus waterbased paint. Can you operate a leaf blower?
Your pal,
Tommy
Joe Del Priore is a frequent contributor. Comments on this piece can be sent to: current@hudsonreporter.com.