John Edward, the cable-TV psychic from “Crossing Over” who claims to talk to dead people, has nothing on me.
Every year, I predict some events that will happen in Hudson County. Even though I am consistently 99.99 percent wrong, at least I won’t bilk you by pretending to talk to the ghost of your old Aunt Fannie!
So read on, and if you don’t think these predictions are funny now, wait until the writers’ strike affects newspaper psychics.
January
After learning of Anthony Iacono’s January consulting contract extension in Secaucus (even after taking a job in August to work for Paramus), Yankee Alex Rodriguez scouts Iacono as his new agent.
Jersey City Councilman Steven Fulop announces his intention to run for mayor, congressman, and Student Council president at the nearest high school.
After Guttenberg Mayor David Delle Donna and his wife are indicted for accepting a dog from a local bar owner, Delle Donna says he had no choice, because a four-by-12 block town is definitely not big enough for a horse.
February
In order to plug the municipal budget gap in Hoboken, the city announces a fine of $4 million for public drinking at the St. Patrick’s Day parade. After 80 people are arrested, the city is able to acquire the air rights over ShopRite for use as a public park; hold on to a $96 million surplus (which it promptly spends in one week), and buy Guttenberg.
March
In an effort to cut down on large sewage bills, North Bergen officials urge residents never to flush their toilets again and request that residents go back to the outhouse method. The ghost of Charles Ingalls from “Little House on the Prairie” is hired as the new MUA chief.
Frequent Hoboken City Council meeting commentators Mo DeGennaro and Helen Hirsch get married. They spend their wedding night at a council meeting, ceding their five minutes to each other.
April
Because several of the Hudson County Democrats who were actually supposed to make “peace” never showed up to last month’s press conference, a new conference is scheduled, but it is held in three separate rooms because the mayors of Union City, West New York, and North Bergen say they are allergic to each other and for medical reasons cannot appear in photos with each other. The “peace conference” is a rousing success, described as even more convincing than Tom Cruise’s marriage, Britney Spears’ parenting guide, O.J.’s hunt for the “real” murderer, and each of Pamela Anderson’s breasts.
Hoboken Councilwoman Dawn Zimmer moves the Hoboken farmers’ market to the Community Gardens on Third and Jackson streets in the 4th Ward. The unusually sweet tomatoes are the highlight of the market. When asked by curious residents where the tomatoes came from, Zimmer says only that they were from Hoboken and produced with the help of many of its residents.
After reading reports of Hudson County’s ailing hospitals, the only two people who can save them are brought in: Luke Spencer and Laura Baldwin-Spencer from General Hospital. After whipping the area’s hospitals back into shape, they hold a midnight dance in the middle of Newport Mall, and then leave to save the world.
May
Secaucus Town Councilman Mike Gonnelli fulfills his campaign pledge to get a pay-to-play ordinance through the council, only to realize the measure has restricted his ability to raise funds for his upcoming mayoral race against Dennis Elwell. In a move that shocks everyone, Gonnelli lobbies to overturn the pay-to-play law and launches his Pay to Take Back Secaucus ticket.
Former Guttenberg Mayor Peter LaVilla wins an Oscar for one of the 71 documentaries he produces per year, “A day in the life of Al Sullivan.” In the doc, Al takes 97 phone calls from Hoboken gadflies and still has time to cover the freeholders’ debate over bids to sweep the county jail.
June
For brokering the deal that brought West New York Mayor Silverio “Sal” Vega together with Union City Mayor Brian Stack, Weehawken Mayor Richard Turner is named a finalist for the Nobel Peace Prize. A bust of Turner’s likeness is created and placed at the new waterfront park.
Guttenberg Mayor David Delle Donna wins more fans with a sympathetic speech saying his little dog’s name is Checkers, and he’s going to keep it.
July
In a troubling new rivalry, Brian Stack, a comedian on Late Night with Conan O’Brien who is known for playing characters such as Scottish gent “Kilty McBagpipes,” battles his archenemy, Union City Mayor and State Sen. Brian P. Stack, for most web hits on Wikipedia.
A local school system (which shall remain nameless, but it’s in YOUR town…) announces that the average SAT score in the high school has dropped to negative 300 on verbal and 80pi on the math. When the press reports the bad news, the schools are – for a change – quick to respond! They instantly hire three public relations professionals for $400,000 to wipe out further bad press. In order to fund the move, they fire six reading and math teachers. Taking a page from this, the local City Hall cringes at the press coverage they get from their 20 percent spending hike, so they follow the schools’ lead and instantly solve the problem. They hire three public relations professionals, demote six Public Works employees, and make them build a homeless shelter for the teachers.
The new high school uniting Union Hill and Emerson opens; Mayor Stack promptly eyes the football coach position after learning Union City has no rivals left.
August
Nothing ever happens in August.
September
Weehawken Mayor Richard Turner decides to take flying lessons so he can fly his own plane with a message, “I AM GREAT…TAKE THAT,” over the 2008 Weehawken Day Festival.
A law is passed requiring Breathalyzer tests for future candidates for mayor, council, and state legislative positions. The only candidate to run for election is the lost cockatiel from Guttenberg.
The state commission on affordable housing releases new guidelines for Hudson County. An apartment is “affordable” if it is: $900,000 or less for a studio, $1.5 million for a one-bedroom, and $3.92 million for a one-bedroom with a garage.
Hoboken Mayor David Roberts makes a bold move and declares that in order to cut spending in Hoboken, he will reduce the salaries of two City Hall staffers by a whopping 75 percent. In the next budget, the salaries for Richard Tremitiedi and Mo DeGennaro are listed as 25 cents.
November
When more than 100 residents of Manhattan Trailer Park in North Bergen find out that they are still being evicted so the owner can sell the land, North Bergen Town Hall pledges to do whatever it can to find them comparable living arrangements, no matter how far they have to go. The next day, the UFOs that normally visit Braddock Park land near the light rail. The trailers and their owners are never heard from again.
December
For a change of pace, the residents of the Galaxy Towers condominium complex announce that they will not complain about anything for a solid month. The month turns into three days, when one resident calls Town Hall to say that his porridge is too cold.
Think you can do better? Send your predictions and reactions to: editorial@hudsonreporter.com.