“I believe it’s ‘jogging’ or ‘yogging.’ it might be a soft ‘J’. I’m not sure, but apparently you just run for an extended period of time! It’s supposed to be wild.” – Ron Burgundy, KVWN Channel 4 News, San Diego
Putting it mildly, I’m not particularly known for my physical endurance, at least in the upright position (HI-YO!)… But I’m not one to shrink from a challenge.
How the hell did a fat bastard like me end up running in a 5K? Simple – I was dared to.
Back in July, a female friend questioned my manliness and goaded me into running the “Party With Purpose 5K” for The Hoboken Boys and Girls Club and Jubilee Center.
About a week prior, I had visited a masseuse complaining of lower back pain, to which she replied that I “exhibit the symptoms of a pregnant woman.”
Suffice to say I had considered adopting a healthier lifestyle in the wake of that diagnosis. So I ran the race, and, much to my surprise, finished it without inducing birth, projectile vomiting, or befouling my compression shorts. So a few weeks later after the swelling on my chafed thighs subsided, I was back out there for the “Hoboken 5K Run/Walk Against Crime & Drugs,” only this time I had backup.
Sponsored by the bar and sporting T-shirts provided by our good friends at Anheuser-Busch, the Duffy’s (239 Bloomfield St., Hoboken) Running Club chugged its way to victory in the “Bar Division,” beating out The Madison (1316 Washington St., Hoboken) and taking home the coveted plaque.
I had little to do with the actual victory, considering my time was about 4 minutes worse than my previous effort, but I still drank some ice-cold Bud Light to toast the victory (there’s your plug, Will – thanks again for the shirts!)
With our good name to defend, the Duffy’s Running Club took another loop around the Hoboken 5K circuit last Saturday, this time to benefit the Hoboken University Medical Center.
Admittedly, the 9 a.m. start was a little rough for the bar crowd (apparently too rough for The Madison, since they never showed up…), but we soldiered on and represented the seedy underbelly of Hoboken’s nocturnal creatures to the best of our ability, slinking back to bed as soon as the race was over. Do I enjoy running these races?
In a word – no. By the second mile, I enter the “serious regret/I-can-sneak-through-the-park-and-catch-the-126-Bus” stage.
Lactic acid apparently doesn’t mix well with alcohol, and for a guy who has worked on his feet as much as I have, the years of strain have taken their toll.
But I do enjoy finishing the race. There’s that warm, sappy feeling of accomplishment that a self-deprecating cynic like myself is usually impervious to, but I gotta admit, I drink it up. Plus the wide-eyed look I get from friends and customers makes it all worthwhile.
“YOU ran a 5K?”
You’re goddamn right I did! Now give up that barstool and let a weary old man rest his tired old bones… Duffy’s Running Club meets every Monday at 7:30 for three laps around Pier A, returning to Duffy’s for our “warm-down.”
New members are welcome, and any other bars wanting to throw-down on the asphalt, you know where to find us.
Christopher M. Halleron, freelance writer/bitter bartender, writes a biweekly humor column for The Hudson Current and websites in the New York Metro area. He spends a lot of his time either in front of or behind the bar in Hoboken, New Jersey where his tolerance for liquor grows stronger as his tolerance for society is eroded on a daily basis. Feel free to drop him a line at c_halleron@yahoo.com.