When the first plane hit the World Trade Center on Sept. 11, 2001, it was carrying the mother of Hoboken resident Jessica Holland – and Jessica was just blocks from the scene, at her new job on Christopher Street.
Living through the tragedy and coping with her mother’s death has been difficult for Holland, now 26, of Hoboken. In order to move forward, she recently decided to move to California for eight weeks to have her life taped for “Starting Over,” an NBC daytime reality show.
The show follows a diverse group of women as they live together and attempt to make positive changes in their lives. Life coaches are there to help them. On last Thursday’s episode, the Starting Over house celebrated Holland’s “graduation” from the show.
Jessica’s story
In September of 2001, Holland had recently graduated from New York University, and had settled into a Hoboken apartment. On that fateful Tuesday morning, she had just arrived at her job, less than two miles from the World Trade Center.
Not only was her mother, Cora Hidalgo Holland, 52, of Sudbury, Mass. aboard American Airlines Flight 11, the first plane to hit the World Trade Center, but Jessica was an eyewitness to the chaos and terror that followed.
In the days that followed, Holland immersed herself in work and volunteering with 9/11 advocacy groups.
“I worked as hard as I could so I didn’t have to face the reality of what happened,” she said in an interview Thursday. “I built a wall around myself and didn’t let myself truly grieve for four years. I didn’t get angry or sad; I just worked. At the time, I thought it was the best way to handle things. Now I realize it was about the worst way.”
She added as the days passed, her family, which had always been so important, was unraveling and becoming more and more disconnected.
She said she lost the ability to take pleasure in the activities that she used to enjoy the most. She later realized she’d been suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
“I really had no clue about how to cope,” Holland said. “Physically being there during the attack and having to witness [my mother’s] death was just too much to handle. [My mother] was the center of our entire family. She was someone I talked to almost every day.”
Her mother, the daughter of Mexican immigrants, had spoken no English until she entered kindergarten. Jessica said that her mother loved her family and the Boston Red Sox.
“She was the most generous person I’ve even known,” Holland said. “She gave to her family, and she gave to her community. She wanted to make everyone’s life just a little better.”
Moving into the house
She arrived at the “Starting Over” house hoping to fully come to terms with her past, and to rediscover a sense of joy and passion in her life.
The life coaches in the house provided exercises so she’d make it through. She said her goals were to heal personally, grieve the loss of her mother, move beyond 9/11, reconnect with her family, and to become the center of her own life.
She said that it wasn’t always easy, but that’s what made the experience much more valuable. “I think I cried more that first week in the house than I did in the past four years,” Holland said.
Built a house on the anniversary
Holland spent the fourth anniversary of 9/11 on-camera, volunteering with her castmates to build a home for a deserving family. She said it was one off the hardest days.
She said the building the house for Habit for Humanity on 9/11 will now help her have at least a positive image of what otherwise is a very sad date.
Another issue that can to the forefront during taping was her relationship with her father. She said that her father remarried two days before taping began.
“We had been growing further and further apart,” she said. She added that she was feeling betrayed when he remarried.
But during the taping, they flew her father out to the California house, and with the help of the life coaches, they worked on their issues.
“I think we have really come together, which is a huge weight off my chest,” she said. She added that her relationship with her father has strengthened and that she now has a good, healthy relationship with her new stepmother.
Photography
As part of her graduation, which aired Thursday, Holland was given the gift of a digital camera and photo equipment. She had turned her back on her interest in and enthusiasm for photography when she lost her mother, and she now feels ready to put faith in her creativity again.
Healing on national TV
Holland said that she was a big fan of the show, but was hesitant about applying because she considers herself a private person.
“I kind of blocked out the fact that it was for a TV show,” she said. “Watching myself go through the grief process on national TV is a little uncomfortable, but it was completely worth it because I got so much out of the experience. I have absolutely no regrets.”
But she added that this is a different kind of reality show. While so many other reality shows rely on the embarrassing and catty transgressions of their casts, this is a show that thrives on building up and improving lives.
Holland said that during her time in California she has forged what she believes will be lifelong relationships with several of the other women there.
“We were all in it together, and had to dig down so deep with each other,” she said. She added that even though her time on the show is over, she calls several of her new friends daily.
Now she is looking forward to returning to Hoboken.
“For the first time in a long time, I’m in a happy place and excited about life,” she said. “My mindset is completely different. I feel like I’ve been rewired.”
Holland is now working for the Third Wave Foundation, a feminist, activist foundation working nationally to support young women 15 to 30.