Hi. I’m psychic. Really. So I offer a weather prediction for today: Light during the day, getting darker at night.
Each year, I also offer some predictions for the towns covered by the Hudson Reporter. I do it for free. Hey, you get what you pay for.
January Because Hoboken’s 150th Anniversary Celebration went so well in 2005, Hoboken Mayor David Roberts announces that in 2006, the city will hold a year-long celebration of its 151st Anniversary. Unfortunately, things get a little sloppy at a party when shots of Bacardi 151 rum are handed out to the guests.
The Jersey City Council schedules a special meeting on ethics but none of the council people show up, citing a conflict of interest.
February The Hudson Riverfront Performing Arts Center group in Weehawken announces that Soupy Sales will be one of the headliners for the next summer concert series. People want to know whether or not Soupy Sales is actually alive.
Hoboken resident Jon Corzine becomes a regular on the local bar scene. He tells women that he’s a sanitation worker, because there’s no way he’ll get chicks if he says he’s governor of New Jersey.
March A new book on influential letter writing techniques hits the Secaucus library’s bestseller list: “The Adventures of Tom Troyer.”
The city of Union City becomes the victim of identity theft after discovering the existence of Union City, Calif., which is also planning to open a new athletic center by the summer of 2007. Refusing to be outdone by their California imposters, city officials decide to stop their project and instead rebuild Roosevelt Stadium for a spring, 2007 opening.
April Now that Hoboken has a governor and a U.S. senator as residents, Mayor David Roberts is able to secure funding for nearly all of his pet projects. Many of them actually involve pets, like the revenue-producing “barking meters” for dogs who are tied up outside stores.
The murder rate in all of Jersey City remains below the one on Wisteria Lane in “Desperate Housewives.”
June Weehawken Board of Education President Richard Barsa says for a change that he will present a “lean budgie” instead of a “lean budget,” and residents are shocked when Barsa brings a skinny bird to a regular meeting.
Weehawken Mayor Richard Turner then pulls a Donald Trump and says to Barsa, “You’re fired.” Barsa replies, “Again?”
Secaucus Town Administrator Anthony Iacono takes a leave of absence for the role of nightclub singer Slick Capone on the new season of the Sopranos. Guttenberg Mayor David Delle Donna also gets a new job as an actor on the popular HBO series as “Dave, the pizza guy.” One day, Tony Soprano comes in and asks Dave for extra cheese. Dave accidentally puts on extra anchovies instead and gets whacked.
July The waterfowl from Mill Creek Park Point in Secaucus have become so used to clean water that in the summer, they move into the upgraded Secaucus Swim Center.
August With Albio Sires formally taking over the congressional seat for the 13th District, a bitter battle for the mayoral seat in West New York breaks out between commissioners Silverio “Sal” Vega and Gerald Lange. The two commissioners settle it in the new “boxing capital of the world,” North Bergen.
September Now that Union City Board of Commissioners’ meetings are being regularly taped, West New York does the same. They air their meetings on cable, taking the 7 p.m. to 7:19 p.m. time slot.
October After West New York’s new uniform policy officially extends to Memorial High School, students stage a walkout to confront the members of the Board of Education. Board members cheerfully greet them wearing Enyce and Sean John.
November Elections are canceled due to anxiety.
December Skits based on the above predictions are rejected by Saturday Night Live as being “just too funny for the show.”