With all of the political infighting that goes on in Hudson County, the spirited journalists at the Hudson Reporter need a break once in a while. That’s when we turn over the keyboard to our resident psychic, Ima Fakir, to come up with half-baked predictions for the year 2005.
Although Ima can’t compete with the pet psychic at that other local newspaper (“The reason Aldo the Afghan hound isn’t eating his Alpo is that he was an abused alligator in the Everglades in his last incarnation”), she humbly offers the following prognostications for the next 12 months of Hudson County living.
JANUARY
In order to fairly distribute influenza vaccinations to seniors, the county announces “Flu Shot BINGO.” The program, held at the recently renamed Fritz-Reiter Oldenhome, awards the shots to 150 lucky winners and sends the others home with a box of tissues for consolation.
A solution is reached for the struggling NY Waterway ferry system – it will be taken over by Amtrak, which already has expertise in managing transportation systems that lose millions of dollars each year. “A few thousand will be nothing,” they report. Weehawken Mayor Richard Turner appoints himself admiral of the boats and spends his time in the “dinette boat” selling playing cards and stripped conductors’ hats.
Following the success of Jersey City’s guns-for-cash program to get guns off the streets, Hoboken announces a $100 “car for cash” program to get cars off the streets. Residents earn the money for “accidentally” leaving their car at Mom’s house in Short Hills.
FEBRUARY
Guttenberg officials are amazed when the township residents actually approve a proposal for a new Klein elementary school. Following the lead of Union City, which is placing a new playing field on the roof of the new Emerson High School, the new Klein School will be built on top of the roof of the Galaxy luxury condominium complex. Officials said that the new school will eliminate busing problems and cut down on school tardiness. However, it is soon realized that none of the kids who live in the Galaxy go to the school in the first place.
In West New York and North Bergen, local mobs pummel academy-award winners Ron Howard and Russell Crowe when they briefly visit the hometowns of legendary boxer James J. Braddock. The two are not well received because their picture is being filmed in Canada.
Jersey City does a swap with sister city Jersey City, Wisconsin. Jersey City, N.J. gets some cows and a farm, and Jersey City, Wisc. gets political signs and potholes.
Members of Hoboken’s “People for Open Government” have to resign after they all admit to living in developer-owned buildings.
APRIL
In the spirit of April Fool’s Day, the members of the West New York Board of Education finally crack a smile during a meeting, and bow down to the parents of the community.
Jersey City election law is changed so that those with a criminal record are allowed to run in the upcoming mayoral election, including politicians. The electoral field doubles.
MAY
Singer Jimmy Buffett appears at his new Cheeseburger in Paradise restaurant in Secaucus to announce that because of his success as a restaurateur, he is changing his name to Jimmy Buffet.
Al Pine is appointed Parks Commissioner in Jersey City by accident when officials are looking for new types of trees to add.
AUGUST
Jersey City accepts the controversial Teardrop Statue from Russia and places it in front of City Hall. Jersey City in turn sends them Al Pine.
Wal-Mart saves the day and opens a Wal-Food store right next to their Wal-Gas station. By 2006 Secaucus is known as Wal-Town.
SEPTEMBER
The Hoboken Historical Museum opens a new exhibit called “The Great Bars of Hoboken,” only to have to close after three weeks when the local ABC board discovers that the museum is operating without a liquor license.
Reeling from heavy criticism after the collapse of their plan to buy local ferry provider New York Waterway, the Hudson County freeholders look for redemption by thinking bigger. They announce tentative plans to buy out NASA and send the Hoboken City Council to Mars. Freeholder Maurice Fitzgibbons says, “Mars is achievable with only a modicum of bonding from the Hudson County Improvement Authority.”
OCTOBER
After the rediscovered 300-pound boulder and plaque dedicated to Christopher Columbus is stolen again, West New York Police quickly discover it in the home of Commissioner Sal Vega. Investigations question Vega’s involvement with the plaque’s original disappearance in 1967.
NOVEMBER
North Bergen Township Attorney Herb Klitzner resigns for a career in motion pictures. He’s been signed by Disney to star as the new “Herbie, the Love Bug.”
To stop Hoboken council people from missing votes because of trips to the bathroom, they work out a system whereby one flush means “yea” and two flushes means “no.”
DECEMBER
After giving up his Assembly seat, Bayonne politico Anthony Chiappone becomes wealthy selling the hot Christmas toy of the season – The “Chiappet.”
Based on these predictions, the staff of the Hudson Reporter gets jobs at Saturday Night Live, bringing the show to its lowest point since Ashlee Simpson.