Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’ve been with my husband for 15 years now. We met in high school and got married after college. We’ve always been best buds. He is my best friend, the one who knows me best. We are thinking of having children together soon. What is starting to really gnaw away at me is a certain feeling (or fear) that we could be growing away from each other. I’m becoming very involved at work – which is demanding more and more of my time. My church and my spiritual beliefs have also become more and more important to me. My husband does what he has to for his job (which he doesn’t like all that much) and spends a lot of time playing and watching baseball with his friends. Sometimes I think having a child would be good for us. It would give us something to work on together. Other times I’m fearful we are moving apart and that the differences between us will just continue to grow. Can you give me any advice? I don’t want to wake up 10 years from now and feel like a stranger to my husband. In the past, we have always been close.
Dr. Norquist responds:
All relationships have challenges. These challenges can be part of the glue that holds a relationship together and takes it to a new level of intimacy. Challenges can also tear a relationship apart. You are wise to see the challenge ahead and to want to act now to avoid potential future loss. You and your husband met when your identities were not fully formed and your awareness of the potential choices and experiences in life was more limited. This poses a particular challenge for your relationship: How do you continue to grow as individuals, yet not leave your partner behind? Although all relationships potentially have this challenge, it is particularly relevant for those relationships that trace their roots to adolescence or early adulthood.
For some, it is not possible to honor their growth needs and continue in a relationship that they have outgrown. Others ignore their individual growth yearnings in an effort to maintain their relationship, and end up experiencing a diminishing sense of contentment in their relationship – as well as in life in general. Still others are able to honor their growth needs, and bring new life to their relationships. Love stays alive when both partners find ways to create a vibrant life for themselves – a life that they are also committed to sharing with each other. This requires considerable respect for and support of both individuals’ needs, as well as a commitment to communicating, sharing, and creating special time together. Shared interests, values, and beliefs are essential.
It sounds like you and your husband need to talk, and to consciously focus on ways of strengthening the connection between the two of you. Perhaps some of the ideas in this response can serve as a springboard for your discussions. Remember to let him know how much he means to you.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
It seems that I always feel like it’s me against the world. It’s not that people don’t like me or are plotting against me, but it mostly feels like I’m very much alone. I have only a few friends and caring parents. But, I can’t seem to share enough of myself to not feel alone. I hear about places where people really care for and about each other, but I don’t know if such places really exist. I know it doesn’t feel like that around where I live. Do I have to change myself so I don’t wish for something that seems impossible to find?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Loneliness is a strange phenomenon. One person can be surrounded with friends and still feel alone, while another may spend most of her time alone and only be close to one or two people in her life, yet not feel lonely. Everyone needs meaningful connections with others to be healthy emotionally. I believe a lack of a meaningful connection with another also has a negative effect on physical health.
What is it that allows us to be with others and not still feel that gnawing inner loneliness? To feel a meaningful connection with another, you first need to feel in touch with who you are. You need to first experience your own genuine self. For many, this is not as simple as it sounds. Many have learned, since childhood, to be very focused on others, and become adept at acting in such a way as to get others’ approval, or to avoid disapproval, or anger, or even danger (emotionally or physically). This habit of focusing outside themselves leaves them unaware of their own internal lives – what they are genuinely feeling or needing, and what feels true to them. Without this awareness of, or connection with our own inner truth, our own genuine self, we cannot be genuinely and meaningfully connected with anyone else. Hence, the lonely feeling, even when surrounded by friends.
You do not need to change your outer environment to find a place “where people really care for and about each other.” Once you feel more connected with your genuine self, you will find you do not feel so lonely. Also, once you make this shift, finding others that you can develop a meaningful connection with will come more easily. Your external environment is not as important a factor here as your internal state.
Practice checking in with yourself. Direct your inquires toward that part of you that says “yes, that feels true.” This is generally somewhere near the heart region, not the head. We cannot use our cognition to know what is true for us. Instead, we experience our own sense of what is true for us. Make a practice of asking this part of yourself what you are feeling or needing, or any other question that is appropriate to the situation you are in at that moment. If you make a habit of this practice, over time, you will start to notice your inner loneliness diminishing, along with your sense of separation from the world. This will make a profound difference in your experience of your life.
Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken. Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries, and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, CranioSacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique 2004 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center