Dear Dr. Norquist:
I am a new mother of a baby girl, as of one month ago. My baby and I are healthy, and I have a supportive, loving husband. Life is almost too good to be true. My husband and I are so in love with our baby. I’m writing to ask for advice because I want to make sure it stays this way. I’m so happy I don’t want things to change. What can I do to be the best mother I can possibly be for my baby?
Dr. Norquist responds:
The kind of mothering your daughter needs from you changes according to her physiological and psychological stage of development. What she needs help with right now is developing a sense of basic trust that the world is safe and responsive to her needs. Her world right now, of course, is mainly you and your husband. She needs to experience a secure sense of attachment to you. Mother and infant are biologically (as well as psychologically) primed for this bonding to occur. Ideally, your daughter needs a calm and confident mom who is able to respond to (“mirror”) her baby’s changing emotional states. In addition, she needs parents who can see and accept her basic temperament – whatever it is. As her mother, you can help her to develop the ability to sooth herself as she learns to move comfortably from waking to sleeping states – one of the primary developmental tasks she faces in the 1st year of her life.
Please do not read this and saddle yourself with the expectation of being the perfect mother. As Winnicott, a famous developmental theorist, stated, what is necessary is a “good enough mother.” Incidents when we are not able to meet our child’s needs perfectly can actually serve as helpful, growth stimulating experiences for our children. This is because our children need to recognize over time that they can deal with these let-downs, or failures on our part. In doing so, they learn that mom and dad and the world can’t always respond perfectly to their needs. This is part of the ever so gradual, but consistent process of separation and individuation that characterizes the process of moving towards adulthood.
As you may know, mothering our children brings up our own unresolved experiences of being mothered. The clearer, more resolved and more accepting we are regarding our own childhood experiences, the more we are able to adequately meet our own children’s needs. Be conscious of staying close and connected with your husband as you work together to bring this new being into the world. Help her to establish a secure connection with both of you, with herself and with the world. Support each other. Enjoy this wonderful period in life!
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’ve been having a long-time affair with a married man. We have been seeing each other for over 2 years. He has three children, a boy who is 25 and 19 and 11 year-old girls. He told me that he will not leave his marriage until his youngest daughter is 16 and that is the reason he still stays married. I am finding it increasingly difficult to believe him. I suppose my situation is not uncommon given the circumstances. The thought of waiting another 5 years for him worries me because I’m afraid that my trust will disappear in that time. The thought of him in the end choosing his wife over me makes a big part of me hold back. It hurts when I think I may not be that important in his life. I hate blaming his wife because she has never done anything to me. I think it’s easier to blame her for keeping us apart rather than think that he is the one doing it. I constantly feel jealous and frustrated mostly I think because I feel like I’m in limbo, constantly waiting, with 5 years still to go. Please help me to sort out my feelings.
Dr. Norquist responds:
You deserve a whole relationship, with a man who is able to meet you at least halfway. You are in a dis-empowered position (inside yourself) because you are in a relationship where you crave a commitment from someone who is not available. The inequality of this situation leaves you feeling jealous and mistrustful. He’s right, his responsibility is to his children first. Your responsibility is to yourself. This situation was not fair from the beginning, because he has a prior commitment. Your anger is based on an expectation he cannot fulfill. Decide to recognize your worth, and go for a relationship based on equality and physical and emotional availability.
Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, CranioSacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique 2004 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center