Dear Dr. Norquist:
My life is going OK. I don’t have any big problems to deal with. I’m settled in my job and marriage. I have a home, and pretty good health. I’m not really very happy though – sometimes I am, but not most of the time. What would you suggest I do to be happy more of the time?
Dr. Norquist responds:
What you are asking, in essence, is “what are the conditions for happiness?” I can outline for you some of the major pieces of this puzzle, although everyone has their own individual circumstances that contribute to this puzzle.
One of the factors involved in the sustained experience of happiness is your degree of self-interest. That is, the more your self-interest is paramount, the more happiness will elude you. This, of course, is closely related to your inner feelings of worth and adequacy. The more secure you are in your experience of your innate worthiness, the less you need to focus on self-interests, or on needing to be seen by others in a certain way. If we are concerned about making an impression on others, this is a reflection of an inner experience of ourselves as lacking. When our self-worth is no longer an issue, life is much simpler and lighter. From this state, we respond to others as our equals, and are able to contribute to life in a way that is fulfilling.
Happiness is also either fostered or diminished by the approach we take towards others and toward all that happens in our lives. An attitude of gratitude and appreciation toward all that you see and experience will increase your happiness quotient immeasurably. Also, an accepting, non-judgmental approach towards others will leave you feeling positive. It will also have a positive effect on others. Compare this in your mind to how you feel when you are being critical and judgmental of others. What is your level of happiness when you are having critical, judgmental thoughts about yourself or others? Practice seeing the best in others and yourself. See your similarities with others. Have compassion for your own as well as others’ blind spots, emotional scars and vulnerabilities. We are all perfectly imperfect.
Finally, practice keeping your attention and your heart in the present. Embrace life in the aliveness of each moment. We tend to spend almost all of our waking hours in our thoughts of the future or the past, and in this way our lives are passing us by while we’re looking elsewhere. We are not even present for the living of our lives. Life is expressing itself through us. Be present to experience it.
We tend to have the expectation that we should always feel happy, and that if we feel bad, life is not going well. But life is all of this, the good and the bad, the happy and the unhappy, the good times and the difficult times. Like water, life is always changing. It is constant movement. If you identity with or become worried about feeling “bad”, it’s hard to let it pass through you. It hangs around longer. Life is all of our experiences – the whole spectrum. It’s not supposed to be just happy experiences. But if you can accept all of your experiences as a part of life, if you are secure in the knowledge of your worth, if you foster an attitude of gratitude and appreciation, and if you can learn to be present for the living of your life, your life will be much lighter and happier overall.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I just broke up a three-year relationship, which I can’t do anything about. Can you let me know what I can do to relieve the anxiety attacks and depression that I’m getting? Thank you.
Dr. Norquist responds:
A period of heightened depression and anxiety is normal after a major loss. You need to allow yourself time to grieve. I would be more worried if you had just lost a major long-term intimate relationship and you were going on with life as if nothing had happened. The human psyche needs time to adjust to such a major loss. This means feeling the pain, moving through it, adjusting to the changes this loss entails, and then moving on. This is a natural process. Problems occur if you deny the pain, or alternatively if you get stuck living with the pain and do not move through it. The pain should gradually decrease over a 2 – 12 month period, depending on the depth of the loss. In the meantime, allow yourself to feel your feelings as they come up, reach out to friends and family for a sense of connection and support, talk about your feelings with friends and family, or a professional, and engage in activities you enjoy. Walk through the gray days knowing your heart will eventually heal and the sun will shine in your life again. Make sure you are living a balanced healthy lifestyle (enough sleep, nutritious food, little to no alcohol use and no substance abuse). Rescue Remedy (a Bach Flower homeopathic-type remedy) can be helpful for your anxiety. It is available in most health food stores. Observe your thoughts when you are feeling anxious. Do not allow your mind to subconsciously feed you negative, fear-inducing thoughts. Either correct or detach from harmful thoughts. If you are questioning whether or not your life is worth living, or if the anxiety or depression is interfering with your daily functioning, then you must consult with a professional.
We cannot love deeply without being vulnerable to the pain of loss and hurt. It comes with the territory. But, as many a poet and songwriter would tell us, it is better to have loved and lost then to never risk loving. Walk yourself through this time period, and you will eventually find love in your life once more.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique 2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center