Dear Dr. Norquist:
I am totally overwhelmed with my life right now. I’m working full-time in a job that demands my full attention, and going to school in the evenings for my master’s degree. I feel so much pressure trying to get everything done well that I have trouble sleeping at night. My friends are mad because I’m not spending any time with them, and that gets me even more stressed out. I’m always tired and low on energy, and the quality of my work is going down. I can’t seem to do anything well these days. Something has to give and I don’t want it to be my health. What can I do differently? I really wanted to get my degree in 2 years.
Dr. Norquist responds:
You are giving out more energy than you are taking in. it’s like spending money you don’t have – eventually there is a deficit. Please stop to recognize that each of us only has so much energy and time at any given point. If we choose to spend more than we have, there will be consequences. These consequences are most readily noticed with regard to our physical and emotional health. To reduce your symptoms, you need to establish more of a balance between what you give out, and what you receive.
Take time to notice how you replenish your energy and recharge your battery. This varies for everyone. My guess is, whatever it is for you, you’ve been doing less of it since starting night classes. It could be time with friends, time alone, time in nature, time with your dog, time being creative or time playing. Whatever it is, it is vital to your health, and must be consciously reinstated in order for you to maintain your health.
I’d suggest that you also look at how you are spending your life energy and see if there are ways that you can cut back. Emotions can be very draining and expensive, so watch out for how you indulge in them. Worrying, in particular, is an expensive habit (energetically) and one that has no upside. Since it is not possible to give 100% to work and also 100% to your classes, you must find a way to lower your expectations of yourself, or else choose to spread your classes out over a longer period of time. There is no perfect way of solving this part of your life.
There is a Bach Flower Remedy (found in most health food stores) called Elm, which is remarkably helpful when someone is feeling like they have too much to do in too little time. It comes in liquid form, and I’ve found that 2 – 3 drops on your tongue, or in a glass of water has a subtle but powerful effect in 20 minutes or so. If your health practitioner approves, give it a try. You may be pleasantly surprised. I hope this is helpful.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I have a neighbor who talks about me to the other people in our apartment complex. I know this because one of them reports to me about it. This neighbor makes up stories about me to put me down. She and I used to be friends, but when I saw the way she treated others, I decided I didn’t want to be friends with her. She is angry at me for ignoring her phone calls and she is getting back at me by spreading rumors that my husband is having an affair, I am so angry and humiliated. I have to face my neighbors every day, wondering if they think my husband is having an affair and I don’t know about it. Now I don’t feel comfortable in my own home. I’m irritable and angry a lot but I keep it to myself. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I can do to get back at her. I spend a lot of time alone when my husband is at work because I don’t want to be around the neighbors. I’m miserable most of the time. What should I do now?
Dr. Norquist responds:
There are two levels to look at in addressing this situation. One is the interpersonal level, and the other is your internal state. On the interpersonal level, you can choose to take some action so that you do not feel victimized by this neighbor’s actions. Call her and let her know what you have heard from others, and ask her if it’s true that she has been talking about you in this way. If you face her directly, you will find that she will not have as much power, and you will not need to isolate yourself from your neighbors.
The most important thing you can learn here, for your own growth and upliftment is to not let someone else’s words bring up bad feelings in yourself. One of the most important and most difficult things to learn in life is how to manage our own inner state. Do not let outside circumstances control how you feel inside. Practice taking control of your own experience of life. Remember, life situations affect us according to how we choose to perceive and react to the situation rather then according to what actually happened in reality. The external world reflects back to us our own subjective internal state. If we are happy, the world looks and feels positive and beckoning to us. If we are feeling hurt and mistrustful, the world looks and feels like a threatening and unsafe place.
Practice observing your perceptions and attitudes. See how you can change your inner state by changing your perception or your attitude. Life continuously gives us opportunities to practice this. Remember, your life is what you make of it, with regard to in your internal experiences as well as in the external world.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center