Enlivening Ourselves

My wife and I have been married for 13 years. She is 5’5″ tall and weighs about 190 lbs. Over the years of our marriage she has gained at least 45 lbs., with more than half of the gain occurring in the last two years or so. My wife has made the issue of her weight an “off limits” topic and she is doing nothing to lose weight or to even stop gaining.

I am very concerned. While it is currently not a health issue for her, it will be one if her weight gain continues unchecked. I am also very frustrated, as the vivacious woman I married is turning into a matron and I am fearful of what the future holds if things continue at their current pace. How can I be supportive and help her? How can I calm my own fears? Thank you for your help.

Dr. Norquist responds:

For change to occur, your wife needs to see this as a problem and needs to want to do something about it. Until this happens, things will not change. The more you want her to lose weight, the less likely she is to take responsibility for doing this for herself. Instead, the two of you could easily fall into a pattern of control and resistance, with you trying to control her eating, and she resenting and resisting this control. This stance of emotional resistance does not allow the space for her to take responsibility for her own life.

Sometimes there is a physical cause for the weight gain (such as hypothyroidism). More often, overeating is a way of coping with feelings such as fear, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, or anger. These feelings could be related to her relationship with you or other important people or situations in her life, or it could be more internally generated. Eating could be an unconscious habitual way of avoiding or trying to cope with certain emotions or it could be a way of creating a more pleasant emotional/psychological state. There could also be a nutritional deficiency that feeds a craving for certain high calorie food. Usually it is a complex web involving physiology, behavioral and lifestyle habits, emotional needs and patterns and relationships. With professional help, she could easily discern what the particulars are in her case, if she decides that this is a problem that she’d like to address.

Try to give her the space to do this for herself. What she needs is the assurance that you love her no matter what. If she makes the decision to look at this issue, you can ask her what you could do that would feel supportive to her. Also, try to discern the source of your fears. What is your worst fear? Ask yourself what would happen if your worst fear came true. Try to look your fears in the eye and they will have less power over you. Do this internal exercise each time your fear arises and you also can grow from this situation.

Dear Dr. Norquist:

I love how good I feel when I’m newly in love with someone, my world feels cheerful and sunny, like nothing could go wrong. Then something goes wrong in the relationship and I feel let down or disappointed or angry or frustrated, and that good feeling disappears. How can I get that feeling back? I’d love to be able to be in a relationship for a long time and still have that great feeling. How can I keep it alive?

Dr. Norquist responds:

A friend of mine once said to me “the secret to maintaining a happy, loving relationship is for both parties in the relationship to put in more than half.” The relationship I felt and observed between he and his wife after 54 years of marriage was so loving, rich and devoted that it served to uplift others around them. When you are in touch with that inner fountain of love, it can’t help but spill over into the lives of those around you. He greeted everyone, stranger, friend or family, with open-hearted love and respect and genuinely wished the best for everyone. I believe my friend had mastered the art of keeping alive that newly-in-love feeling that your are talking about.

My friend passed away this week, after a long, painful bout with cancer. At his funeral, many shared how his love touched their lives. It occurred to me that my friend had made the best possible use of his God-given time here. For what could be more meaningful and fulfilling than devoting your days to loving and respecting, in whatever way is most appropriate, all those with whom you come in contact. What could possibly bring greater richness to a life then to live in an “in-love” state, the state we experience when we are open-hearted, accepting and wishing the best for others. I believe this state is not so much dependent on another’s love, as it is on being in touch with your own inner experience of love. It starts on the inside, not “out there” somewhere. Many spend their lives searching for that perfect other who will give them the love they need, never recognizing the source is not in the other, but rather, in that spark we all carry within. You can keep that feeling alive by mastering the art of living open-heartedly, with all of life.

(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)

Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique  2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center