Dear Dr. Norquist:
My friends say I’m co-dependent. I don’t know what this means. Could you help me to understand this more?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Codependency is a term coined originally by the Alcoholics Anonymous community. It is generally known as a way of describing a pattern of self-defeating behavior which is characteristic of the significant others of addicts. Codependency is a broad term, describing a certain pattern of thinking/feeling/behaving in relationship to others and to oneself that is not limited to families of alcoholics. It is commonly seen as a coping style developed in childhood as a way of getting essential needs met in dysfunctional families. This pattern of behavior is then carried on as an adult. Families that are burdened with addiction, illness (mental or physical) loss, extreme hardship, trauma, or other circumstances that hamper the parent’s ability to be emotionally and physically available for their children’s needs, can foster children who become co-dependent. In essence, the child has to focus on her parents feelings/ needs/behaviors in an effort to protect herself, and to get her own needs meet.
As a result, the child can come to develop excellent care-giving skills. Her connection with others is through being needed. Through caring for and feeling responsible for others feelings, needs, and well-being, the child has found a way to meet some of her own needs for love, self worth, and connection with significant others. It’s not so much that she loses herself in the other as it is that she misses the opportunity to develop a separate sense of identity. Therefore true codependents never have a fully developed “self” to lose. As a result, the co-dependent individual feels empty, bored, and useless if she is not feeling needed, and caring for others. Often the codependent acts as though she needs to control others behavior in order to get her own needs met. The ability to take responsibility for one’s own growth and needs requires having reached an adult stage of development. The codependent individual is stuck at a less-than-adult stage, looking outside of herself for her needs and her definition of herself. Her inner world is filled with thoughts/concerns/worries about others. She tends to have little awareness of her own thoughts/feelings/needs/opinions. It’s as if the child in her is still trying to fix mom, so that mom can mother her adequately. Codependent individuals tend to be very uncomfortable receiving. Hence, the relationships they develop as adults as well tend to be one-sided, depriving, and often abusive.
There are many symptoms and behavioral characteristics that are commonly associated with co-dependency. Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More, has some excellent books on this subject. I hope this helps. Please write again if you’d like more personal feedback.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I am a 32 year-old Hoboken resident, and I read your column regularly. I have a situation that probably many women in Hoboken experience. I am single and would really like to find the right man. I go to the bars on the weekends, like everyone else, but it’s always such a dissatisfying and uncomfortable experience. I’ve always been a little shy, and I don’t really know how to fit in. I’ve never felt like I fit in – always I’ve felt different. This makes for a lonely life. What can I do to fit in better, and be more comfortable around others? Of course, I’d also like to ask you how to find the man who is right for me – but I know that’s something you can’t really answer.
Dr. Norquist responds:
Trying to “fit in” with others is not the approach that will get you what you want. What you need to focus on, is “fitting in” with yourself. The more you are at ease with yourself, the more you will be at ease with others, and the more others will be at ease with you. When you are at ease yourself, you do not need others to see you, or react to you in a certain way. When you are at ease with yourself, you are more in tune with your similarities with others, your common humanness and imperfections. From this place, you can experience humor more easily, and take life more lightheartedly. In this place, it’s easy to be accepting of others because you are accepting of yourself. Others are drawn to this.
So – don’t try to fit in with others. Instead, focus on knowing and accepting yourself. This will ready you for establishing the right relationship when the opportunity arises. It will also help you to be more open to it so it won’t pass you by. Learn to shine your own light through being yourself, and you will be surprised how comfortable you feel around others, and how you no longer focus on feeling different.
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique 2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center.