Dear Dr. Norquist:
How are you? I am good. I was just reading your newspaper about the homework. I always read your newsletter. It is one of the better ones. I would like to ask you a few questions that will only take a few minutes to answer. I would like to know more about marriage. Why marriage? I would like very much to ask the public that reads your newsletter to give some of their great input on the subject about marriage and why marriage. I would like to know what I have to do to put this in the Hudson paper.
Dr. Norquist responds:
You ask a good question; "why marriage?" I’d be happy to share my thoughts on this subject, and I like your idea of inviting opinions from others who read this column. Historically marriage has served a variety of purposes including assuring the proper means and conditions for rearing children, surviving adverse physical or financial circumstances, preserving or enhancing one’s social class, and maintaining cultural/religious heritage. Under these circumstances, love was not considered a requirement for marriage.
Currently, it is common to have sexual relations and to co-habitate without a marital commitment. Hence your question – why marriage? Marriage requires a commitment. It requires both parties to say, "yes, I will commit my heart & mind, before God, to sharing and creating a life with this partner, through good times and through bad times. This commitment gives both parties a shared purpose, a direction in which to travel. The emotional/legal/financial investment of marriage encourages the couple to make it a priority to work through the hard times rather than just walk away.
We reap what we sow. Without commitment, without an investment of our hearts, we live life on the surface. This leads to a poverty of spirit, so to speak, a shallow life lacking in depth and vitality and meaning. Commitment from both partners provides a safe haven, where both partners feel trusting enough to open their hearts to experience a richer sense of intimacy then would be possible otherwise. Marriage provides a means for experiencing love-in-action. As such, it can give us a glimpse of God. It is a forum for learning the lessons of love.
Of course, marriage is not without great risk, and it is not for everyone. With the right attitude and timing and the right partner, marriage is life enhancing. If the situation is not right, it can be a nightmare. Either way, we have many opportunities to learn and grow. I’d like to invite any and all readers to share their thoughts on this topic (for publication in a future column). Thanks for your question!
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I have always led a very busy life until recently. I used to be on the go constantly working 12-hour days, busy helping my single mother after work, and hanging out with my friends. I guess I burned myself out, ’cause now I have a physical condition that has forced me to leave work and I’m barely 35. Last year, I was diagnosed with lupus. I could never have believed what an effect this would have on my life. I have had several flare-ups in the past year or so. I’m often so tired that I can’t make myself a meal, or go for a walk. I never ever thought such simple things could be so hard to do. This has totally disrupted my life. I can’t work, I rarely see anyone other than my family. I can’t be nearly as physically active as I used to be. I can’t even concentrate for any length of time. This is not like me. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I guess I’m depressed a lot – who wouldn’t be in my shoes? Sometimes I think life is not worth it anymore, but I know I wouldn’t do anything to hurt myself. I’m miserable almost all the time. What do you suggest that I do?
Dr. Norquist responds:
You are suffering not only from the physical symptoms of the lupus, but also from the grief and anger over the many losses you have experienced over the past year or two. Losses come in many forms. There is the loss of being able to feel well and to physically do what you have always taken for granted. There is the loss of being able to engage in your past working world, with its challenges, stimulation, achievements, and all daily structure and social milieu that surrounds it. You have also suffered a great loss to your developed sense of identity – your sense of yourself as a busy, productive career woman with an active social life. I’m sure this is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of the many losses you are experiencing. Aside from the fact that depression can be one of the many symptoms of lupus, it does make sense that you are feeling depressed. It would be abnormal to not go through a period of depression under such circumstances. If you let yourself feel these feelings, this can be a phase rather than a chronic state. Try to make the time to let your feelings surface, unhindered and unrestricted – the anger, the sadness, the grief, the fear, the sense of injustice, the regrets – everything that comes up. It needs recognition and expression in order for you to make your way to a new plateau. Many aspects of your prior life have ended. You are going through a death of your previous life. You must recognize, mourn and accept this before the rebirthing process can be ignited.
An experience like this forces you to re-evaluate your life, and to ask yourself anew "what is the purpose of my life?" and "where do I find meaning in my life?" You have been stripped of the possibility of getting sidetracked in many of the outer world seductions. You are forced by your illness to slow down – to start anew. Remember, you still have all that is necessary to experience joy and fulfillment in life, for these are inner-based rather than outer- based experiences. Your state and your way of living in each moment is what determines the experiential quality of your life. How you choose to view and respond to this illness will determine your everyday state. This condition calls you to take on a challenge that is worthy of the most experienced mountain climbers. You are challenged to take the losses and limitations that have been imposed upon your life, and find a way to create a new life forged from the qualities and wisdom that you gain from dealing with this adversary. How you deal with this situation is your choice. You can get caught in the clutches of self-pity and apathy, or you can use it to develop great qualities within yourself. Be kind and patient with yourself in this process. You are human and you do not have to do all of this perfectly.
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700.
Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center.