Dear Dr. Norquist:
My daughter is 14, and getting ready to start high school. I noticed last year that she was getting stressed out – between her academics, after school activities, friendship ups and downs and all the ups and downs of being a teenager. I know there is a lot of stuff out there on managing stress for adults. Do you have any suggestions for how I can help my daughter to manage her stress?
Dr. Norquist responds:
You are a wise mother to ask such questions. Helping our children develop coping strategies for managing the vicissitudes of life is a wonderful gift we can offer – a gift that they take with them as they set out upon their own life journeys.
The essential foundation for effectively managing stress and life in general is the quality of the home and family environment we provide as parents. The fundamental nutrients of this "nest" are unconditional love, security, moral and spiritual values, and support and understanding. Within the family our children experience their loveableness and learn how to nurture themselves, and how to approach life. We, as parents, can also model for them how to manage stress. Certainly, positive sleeping, eating and exercising habits are a fundamental part of this. Adolescents need a minimum of 8-9 hours of sleep per night, on as regular of a schedule as possible. A stress reducing diet should be low in sugar, salt, fat and caffeine, and include as many whole fresh foods as possible. For optimal mental alertness and stable blood sugar levels during school hours, meals should be high in protein, with frequent protein dominant snacks. Carbohydrates encourage the release of serotonin, which will result in drowsiness. Make sure your daughter is taking a high quality multi-vitamin, with additional B & C vitamins, as well as calcium, as these are beneficial in fighting stress. Regular exercise, one-half hour to one hour, 4 -5 days per week is also beneficial for stress management.
Help your daughter to develop her own relaxation ritual. This could include laughter ( a nightly comedy show), a daily hot bath, Sleepytime or Valerian root tea before bed, play time with the family pet, nightly reading for pleasure, or whatever appeals to her that has a relaxing effect. Teach her to integrate this into her life. In addition, she can use imagery to create a safe, relaxing place that she can go to in her mind whenever she feels the need. This "place" should be built around places, experiences or memories she has that are nourishing to her. In creating this visual image, have her include colors, smells, sounds, and kinesthetic and sensory experiences (such as the breeze in her hair, or the sun on her skin). The more often she goes to this "place", the more powerful of an ally it will be in helping her to cope with stress and to unwind at the end of the day. See books by Shakti Gawain, and Belleruth Naparstek for assistance with creating visual imagery experiences.
Cognitive strategies for stress proofing are quite powerful. Help her to learn to accept whatever life brings her way, and to trust herself in handling it. Teach her that mistakes and "failures’ are human, and are opportunities for change and growth. Through your love, give her the experience that her worth is not based on her achievements or her appearance. One final note: I believe it is especially important to help our daughters to identify with a positive, empowered definition of womanhood. Your daughter can use this as a positive image to emulate which will help her to hold on to her power and her confidence as she emerges from the turbulent waters of adolescence.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
My husband and I have been married for more than 8 years. During the past few years, we have been spending a lot more time at home watching TV and less time doing things together as a couple. It seems like the daily routine of coming home and watching the television has just about stopped our ability to communicate with one another. My husband and I have started arguing over petty things. I asked my husband to go with me for marriage counseling and he agreed, but left it up to me to find a counselor/therapist. My question is, how do I know if a therapist is qualified to work with us? Do I have the right to interview them to see if their style will work for us?
Dr. Norquist responds:
In choosing a therapist, training and expertise are important, but what is just as important is a feeling of the "right fit" between you and the therapist. You can start by calling several therapists (hopefully those who have been recommended by friends or someone you trust). Ask about years of experience as a therapist, and their training and amount of experience with marital therapy. Listen intuitively to see if they respond in a way that you feel you’d be comfortable working with them. Then make an appointment for a consultation session with the therapist that feels most right to you. If after 1 or 2 sessions, you do not feel comfortable with the therapist or her/his expertise or technique, do not be afraid to make changes.
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center.