Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’m 37 years old, and haven’t been married yet. I’d like to have children, and, as they say, “the biological clock is ticking.” I have some decisions to make, and I’m not sure what to do.I’d always pictured myself having children. There is a man I’ve been “dating” for several years now. He and I get along fine. We are like “best buds”. There is a strong friendship between us, but no passion, or romantic attraction. I’m torn between giving up on having children, marrying my “best bud” in order to start a family, and having a child as a single mom. My best bud would probably be open to marriage and raising children. He is a good, caring person who would probably be a good father. I have a stable job with the State – good benefits, good hours, and a pension plan. My family would help. I know you can’t tell me what I should do – but I’ve read your column for a while now, and I respect your advice. What do you think?
Dr. Norquist responds:
This is a complicated question, and I don’t have much information to respond to. In this culture, in this day and age, people marry because they choose to share their lives with a particular person who is very special to them. There are, as you know, cultures in which it is common for marriages to be “arranged” based on family, religious, and social status factors. In such a culture, marrying for the purpose of procreation rather than love and attraction would not be unusual. My guess is, however, that you are a product of a 20th century American upbringing. It would be difficult to navigate the stresses and strains of marriage and child rearing without a commitment to your partner that extends beyond the desire to raise children. If you choose to go this route, make sure that you respect and enjoy your “best bud” for who he is, and that the two of you share similar feelings for each other, similar child rearing values, and similar lifestyle goals. Ask yourself what you would do/feel if you marry and are unable to get pregnant together? Would you still be happy with your decision?
Choosing to have a child as a single mom is a decision that greatly affects your child’s life as well as your own. With a 50% divorce rate in this country, certainly this is an experience that many mothers and children experience at some point in their lives. The difference is that you would be choosing this life ahead of time for yourself and your child. This deprives you of the support (emotionally, physically, and financially) that is so needed for managing the stresses and demands of parenting. It sets you up for a stressful life. As stress increases, the quality of parenting we can provide diminishes. In addition, your child has the experience of a lack of fathering in her/his life. Both of these factors (your lack of needed support, and your child’s lack of fathering) can be ameliorated with the right conditions. But, do you want to place this potential burden on yourself and your child because of your desire to be a mother?
Are there other ways for you to quench some of your nurturing needs? Some people who are unable to bear children (for whatever reason) become active in Big Brother/Big Sister programs, become teachers or coaches, spend quality time deepening their relationships with nieces, nephews, godchildren, or neighborhood kids, or take a job that entails working with children. There are so many children already in this world who thirst for a caring, guiding mentor in their lives. You can make a tremendous difference in a child’s life in any of these roles.
It may be helpful for you to take some time out to dive deeply into your desire to have children. Learn more about the nature of this desire and the source of the needs that feed it. As you know, only you can ascertain what the right answer is. Only you can know your soul’s inner longings and the direction you need to take to follow its’ promptings.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I have been married for six years now. My husband and I are generally very compatible, but he doesn’t treat me well. He puts me down in front of people we know and is often critical of me. He has to have the final say on everything. Once he even hit me because I didn’t want to have sex. I am trying to focus most of my attention on my children and my career – two areas in my life that are very fulfilling – but I’m getting tired of being in a relationship in which I feel so put down and not respected. I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t think my husband cares enough to change.
Dr. Norquist responds:
If you are willing to be a victim, you will attract an abuser. If you do not honor and respect yourself, then you will allow others to not honor or respect you. If you believe you must accept criticism and abuse in order to receive love, then that’s what you will allow. This situation will only change when you take responsibility for what you allow in your life. Your husband’s treatment of you must in some way mirror your own treatment of yourself, or you would not have allowed yourself to be in this situation. You are not tethered to this man. Loving and caring for yourself are essential first steps in attracting a loving and respectful relationship. This is the source of the problem, and therefore where you should focus your attention first. Abusers have a lesson to teach; the lesson of respecting and honoring yourself. You will continue to allow abusers in your life until you have learned the lessons they are here to teach you. Take comfort in the fact that you have control here. You do not have to depend on your husband to change for you to improve your life. You cannot dictate when he will choose to learn his lessons. You can choose to make changes internally to empower yourself here and not allow this treatment to continue
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center.