Dear Dr. Norquist:
My school system recently sent out an anonymous survey to the parents, asking what their greatest concern was with regard to their children. The most common response was lack of self-esteem. Now this is a private school.Virtually all of the kids do not lack for material needs. Many of the parents are very involved (especially compared to when I was growing up). I’m surprised that self-esteem is such a big concern. What can I, as a parent of 2 young daughters, do to help make sure they do not have problems with self-esteem as they get older?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Our children are being raised in an era that is quite different then that which we experienced as children. I believe our kids experience much higher expectations for achievement then most of us did. Early on, both boys and girls feel the pressure to achieve with regard to sports as well as academics. They are supposed to be great athletes, have the perfect body, and excel academically. Children in middle school and sometimes even in elementary school are already very cognizant of the pressure to get into a good college. In addition, parents are more involved with their children’s schools and activities. Thus there can be more social pressure on parents with regard to how their child is performing in relation to her/his classmates. To the degree that the parents’ self-esteem is based on how others view their child, the child feels this pressure as well. In addition to the other pressures the child contends with, she can be painfully aware of her parents’ need for her to be a certain way so that her parents can feel good about themselves. Rather then experiencing her worth as innate and unconditional, the child can come to feel that her worth is based on performance, achievement, and appearance. The more secure the parent is in genuinely accepting and loving themselves, the more able s/he is to extend the same kind of unconditional love to the child.
Parents are as stressed-out and overwhelmed today as their children. Many mothers have demanding careers, yet still contend with the pressures to be there for their children’s sports events, school performances, parent meetings, homework, etc. This takes its’ toll on the quality of the time they have available to be with their children. Most of the time spent together is stressful – running to and for with various activities on the agenda. There is precious little time to relax together, and enjoy each other’s company.
What to do? Remind your children of all that they do well. Teach them how to perceive situations in a healthy, positive way. Teach them to be optimistic. Show your love in actions and words. Take time out to have fun together. The most powerful shift that you, as a parent, can make to help in this regard is to fully embrace the children you were given, and focus on how to help each of them develop into the person they are meant to become.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I can’t find anyone I’m compatible with. I’m 24, single, male, live in Hoboken and work in NYC. I do get to meet lots of people at work and have a few friends, one a long time friend from college. So, I do go out and take part in the night life scene both here and in New York. I have a growing concern, because I’m not able to connect with any of the women I meet. I’ve tried to figure out why I don’t want to pursue a relationship with women that I meet who appear somewhat interested in me. It sometimes feels like I’m from a different planet. I’ve been looking for someone who is compatible for about two years now. I’ve taken trips with groups hoping to meet someone more like me, but was not successful. Should I lower my expectations about what I should expect from a relationship? Thanks for your advice.
Dr. Norquist responds:
The first question to sort out is whether your dilemma is the result of not having found someone you are compatible with or whether it is due to unrecognized fears of intimacy. Also, if connecting with others in general does not come easily for you, then the issue may be more related to the level of comfort you have with yourself, and your ability to accept and enjoy others for who they are.
Take a serious, objective look at your past close relationships with an eye to shining light on the question of how comfortable you are with intimacy and commitment – (emotionally and mentally, as well as physically). Consider as well, how you experienced the intimacy that was modeled by your parents. If, after pondering these questions, you feel that a fear of intimacy and commitment is a factor in not having found a woman you are compatible with yet, then you may want to consider some short term therapy to assist you in resolving these fears.
If a fear of intimacy is not a factor in not connecting with a woman you are compatible with, then I’d like you to do the following exercise: close your eyes, and try to sense what it feels like being in the presence of a woman with whom you are compatible. What qualities does she emanate? How does she interact with you? How does she live her life? Does she have any features that are notable? What is she looking for in life? Sense this woman as fully and clearly as you can – as if she could step out of your vision at any time – and spend some time with you. Do this exercise daily. Rearrange this experience as you see fit, bringing it more and more into alignment with who you are and what you are looking for in that perfect partner. See this partner as existing in your present life.
This is a powerful exercise in which you clarify for yourself what you are looking for, ready yourself for meeting that perfect partner, and send the world and those you meet on a daily basis the message that you are open and available. There is a time for everything. Through this exercise, you will be ready and open for meeting someone, who is right for you, when the time is right. Do not lose hope.
In the meantime, don’t put your life on hold. Enjoy it! Happy people are quite attractive to others. If your expectation is to find someone that you are compatible with, there is no need to change this expectation.
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center.