(Dr. Norquist is on vacation this week. We are re-running letters that were published earlier in this column.)
Dear Dr. Norquist:
My neighbor, Susan, always seems so happy and content. I enjoy her company very much, but I can’t understand how she can stay so seemingly content most of the time. She is a single mother, with two young children, constant worries about money and an ex-husband who is always interfering in her life. I, on the other hand, am nearly 30 and single with few responsibilities outside of my job and I continue to find it hard to be happy. I do not have any major difficulties or problems in my life but I do feel guilty that I cannot be happy. If Susan can be happy despite her problems, how can I learn to overcome the feelings that my life is empty and unfulfilled and find happiness?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Why can’t I be happy? This is a question many must have wondered about at some time in their lives. Why is it that Susan seems so happy? How can she be so happy with all the problems and responsibilities she has in life? If she can be happy, I should be able to be happy.
I would invite you to stand back and look objectively at Susan for a moment. How does she seem to view difficult situations in her life? Does she view them as challenges she must meet or does she see herself as a victim of an unjust world? Is she kind in her opinions of and expectations of herself, or does she criticize herself, and focus on her limitations and imperfections? Does she take responsibility for her life, or tend to blame others or life for what happens to her? Does she seem to have an inner source of strength and trust in herself in life or does she seem to flounder and define herself according to what she believes will meet others approval? I invite you to contemplate this, and then look at your own typical responses and perceptions.
With my clients, I often notice that consistent states of happiness and contentment do not appear to be as related to outer life circumstances as they do to the attitudes and perceptions they have of themselves and the world, and an inner sense of strength and centeredness that seems to nourish them. The most important step you can take in moving towards creating more happiness in your life is to recognize that you do not need to have anything "out there" change for you to be happy. You have the power, responsibility and control to affect your happiness, right here, in this present moment, by looking at your attitudes and perceptions, and to learning to connect with your own inner source of strength.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
My husband’s employer recently told him that if he wants to stay with the company, he has to move to North Carolina to work in their new location. This has been very upsetting for me. I have never liked changes, or losses. My family lives in Hudson County, I grew up here, and I don’t want to leave.
I have been having trouble sleeping since hearing this news, and spend a lot of time worrying, thinking how I’ll miss everyone and everything around me. We just recently got the house fixed the way we like it. I can’t let my husband go without me – I’ll miss him too much. I’m having so much trouble dealing with this change that was forced upon me. I can’t stand feeling so unhappy all the time. What can I do?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Change is a constant. We can try to fight it – but we are only deceiving ourselves to think we have a chance of winning. It’s like being in the midst of a swiftly flowing river, and thinking you can fight the flow and stay in one place. It is human nature to become attached to the everyday structure of our lives. To one extent or another, we rely on the regularity of our everyday lives for our sense of identity, our role, our security in life. There is an ebb and flow to life. The seasons are always changing. When we look at change or fluidity in our current situations from a fear-filled place, from a place where regularity is preferred, we cause feelings of pain, uncertainty, fear and discontent. In seeing your life experience as a joyous opportunity to dance through the wonders of creation this same fluidity is experienced as charged with opportunity, excitement, and a sense of wonder. Begin releasing your need for predictability, for it cannot be demanded without a price. Predictability can only be gained by sacrificing opportunities for growth, and diminishing your life force energy. With the right attitude, contentment can be found in both the calms of the sea, and the storms of the sea. Prepare yourself for change by encouraging it to dance through your life. Allow change to provide you with choices and opportunities, while you become more and more aware of a deeper, inner experience that remains constant and is not affected by the surface waters of change.
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center.