Dear Dr. Norquist:
You don’t seem to write much about retirement age people, so I thought I’d write to you regarding my situation. I’ve recently retired from the telecommunication industry. I didn’t want to retire quite this early (59), but the economy kind of forced it on me.I worked in the same company for 35 years, and supported a family of 5 (including three kids who are now in their late 20’s and on their own – except for my youngest). I’m kind of at a loss right now. I don’t know what to do with my time. My wife has a social life that she has developed over the years of staying home. My work friends are scattered all over the country now. I don’t see any meaning in my life right now. I’m used to having a project to accomplish, and a team to work with to accomplish it. All this rainy weather adds to my listlessness. I guess I’m having a delayed mid-life crisis because I don’t know what I want to do with my life. Financially we are OK. Although it would be good for us financially if I got another job, my forays into that possibility have left me painfully aware that a 59 year-old isn’t very likely to get hired when there are so many younger people out of work these days. I don’t have any direction to move towards, and it’s getting harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning. What do you suggest?
Dr. Norquist responds:
A helpful way to view life is that it is always providing us with opportunities to expand and enrich ourselves and our lives. Viewed from this perspective we can make the best of whatever life provides.
Your early retirement provides an opportunity for you to round out your development as a person. During our 30’s and 40’s, life often feels rushed and focused, with the time demands of career growth and our children’s needs pressing upon us daily. By the time we reach our 50’s and 60’s, there is a gradual slowing down, as our children go off to college, and retirement looms in the not so distant future. This is a season of life when we can stop and look at the landscape of our lives, and more consciously observe, savor, and evaluate our lives. As we slow down, we become aware of deeper, subtler aspects of life. It is a time when inner peace and contentment tend to be more appealing than before, as we notice that goals we strove for and accomplished didn’t quite provide the satisfaction and inner contentment that we thought they would. It is a time to stop and re-evaluate our values and priorities. It is during this time period that many choose to strive for goals that are more inner focused. This includes goals that have to do with living with integrity in accordance with our beliefs rather than striving to accomplish or accumulate something (material or otherwise) that the outside social world recognizes. For many, it means re-aligning our lives with our spiritual beliefs.
I’d suggest that you start by noticing (and remembering) what gives you a sense of satisfaction. This could include developing and deepening your sense of connection in important relationships, providing a service (to your community, your church, the environment, non-profit organizations, schools, etc.), creating (idea development, gardening, carpentry, program development, etc.), experiencing or learning in areas that interest you (traveling, going back to school, etc.), or implementing a dream you have always carried inside.
Of course, all of this is much harder to implement if you are depressed. If you feel depression is a significant factor affecting your ability to re-coup and take advantage of this time in your life, then you would be wise to seek professional help.
Enjoy the journey!
Dear Dr. Norquist:
My husband confessed to me that he had a one-time affair. I am still devastated. He always said he would be faithful. I have always told him I would never stand for anything like that and would leave him if he ever cheated. Now it has happened. He was honest enough to tell me, but how can I ever forgive him. Will he do the same thing again if I give in to him this time? We have 3 children and he is a great father.
Dr. Norquist responds:
There is no pat answer to this question. You and your husband will determine by how you respond to this situation whether it undermines your relationship or forces it and both of you to grow. You each need to take an honest look at your relationship and yourself and try to understand what prompted this behavior on his part. Try to be honest rather then blaming of each other. Perhaps your relationship needs more attention than it has been getting. Decide together how you can address each other’s unattended needs and feelings. It will take time to rebuild the trust. Consistency and honesty on his part, and the willingness to take the risk of being open and trusting again on your part will help. Forgiveness does not condone his behavior – rather, it is something you actively do, when you are ready, to let go of the anger and hurt you may be carrying as a result of his betrayal of your trust.
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center.