Safe Room

I’m just as concerned about bio-terrorism as anyone, but choosing a safe room and what to include is turning into a nightmare.My bathroom is too tiny. My computer room would keep me abreast of the nature of the catastrophe, but there’s no room for food. My kitchen has food and a radio, but no TV or books or DVD player. My bedroom has audio/visual stuff and some adult magazines, plus a phone, but I hate the vomit-green paint on the walls. My closet is too dark. My linen room has plenty of towels and underwear but nothing else. The room next to my bedroom has books I will never reread, but keep anyway, as well as my humidifier, table fan, old Sports Illustrated Swimsuit calendars, a Mariah Carey poster from 1990, a bunch of computer material I’m afraid to open, smoke detectors I haven’t gotten around to installing, decrepit sneakers, my old Army sleeping bag, socks, and an exercise bike.
I have an air cleaner bordering my kitchen and bedroom because I can’t decide where exactly most of my breathing problems occur. My final room, located next to the humidifier, is filled with cartons of letters from women I used to know before e-mail. Maybe hundreds of them, mostly rejection letters. I only go in there when I feel like sulking.
Even if I choose a room and get a gas mask and protective clothing and boots, I’m going to have to allocate space. And I have to figure out how much is for paper plates, napkins, tissues, containers for body waste, a mirror for trimming my mustache and personal hygiene products.
Then there’s canned goods, bottled water, and petty cash. Damn it! The list is endless. A bible, the complete works of Shakespeare, and a family photo album in case my duct tape-plastic sealant springs a leak and in my last moments I wish to revisit old family memories. I thank God I don’t have a pet. Although I’ve always gotten along well with fish.
I guess it’s time to get hopping. I’m doing the only logical thing in the face of catastrophe. I’m repainting the bedroom mauve. – Joe Del Priore (The author is a Current contributor.)

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