I don’t blame "Big Tobacco" for the fact that I smoke – I blame me. Does that make me a bad American?
I don’t blame my parents either, as blaming parents is another cop-out for weak-minded halfwits who are unwilling to accept personal responsibility for their actions. While my Mom has scaled back considerably, I actually had the cojones to tell my Dad that I think he smokes too much – while I had a cigarette hanging out of my own mouth. That’s just the in-your-face type of hypocrite I am.
Actually, if I were to blame anything I would blame the fact that I went to college. In particular, I went to military college where one day they gave us a tobacco privilege, so I said, "Hey, it’s a privilege, so why not take advantage of it?" Norwich University, you should expect to hear from my lawyers.
Nevertheless, over the years I have spent much of my wages on the evil carcinogenic sticks. And now that they are rapidly becoming less socially acceptable than cocaine, ecstasy or heroin, I have decided that maybe it’s time to give them up. They’re soon to be illegal in New York City bars, and while I think a lot of people feel it could bring a surge of business to "HoSmokin," I don’t think people are so dedicated to their tobacco that they’d take a train to Jersey just to be able to light up inside. Besides, it’s just a matter of time before Hoboken becomes "NoSmokin" – the rents were raised to match New York’s, so why shouldn’t the oppressive social agenda follow suit as well.
I disagree with the legislative action against smokers, not because I smoke but because I believe the owner of a small business shouldn’t be told by government how he or she should run his own establishment. But as much as I cherish the rights of an individual to choose, I find it hard to join the ranks of bitter stand-up comics who tout the merits of a pro-smoking agenda. The fact is that these things ARE bad for you. It’s tough to argue in favor of a substance that is just so bad for people (However, bring up prohibition of alcohol again and I will spend the time to research said argument!!!).
So now that it’s resolution time, I’ve decided that cigarettes should be one thing that I aim for in 2003. I’m not doing the Nicotrol or Zyban (why spend bigger money on the cure when the disease is cheaper), and I’m not doing the hypnosis or the smoke-one-carton-in-a-night method either. I’m just going to gradually wean myself off until I lose interest.
As it stands right now, I’ve gone from a pack-a-day to a pack-a-week. In college I had a cigarette for breakfast, two for lunch, and a senseless evening of nicotine and alcohol. Now I’ve mellowed to the occasional cigarette while enjoying an adult beverage. Of course, when you enjoy as many adult beverages as I do, you have more occasions for a cigarette.
A lot of people feel booze and butts go hand in hand. Yet, the Olde World was deep in the bag long before Sir Walter Raleigh smoked his first stogie on his way back from Virginia. So maybe somehow we can once again separate the two evils and just poison ourselves through one medium at a time.
I’ve pondered the best ways to quit and decided that I basically smoke when I drink because I’m bored and my hands are idle. Or perhaps it’s the oral fixation (please, don’t send me your suggestions of what else I can put in my mouth on, because more than likely I don’t want to hear them), so I’ve considered alternatives to cigarettes that would keep me entertained. But I’m not too keen on the options. I’ve never been a big fan of cigars, primarily because I lack the attention span and sense of commitment to light up a rolled tobacco product that in some cases may last for over an hour. I do happen to be a big fan of pipe tobacco, but I’d probably end up looking like Popeye and sounding like Thurston Howell if I whipped one out in a bar. Further complicating the issue is the fact that many establishments already have a ban on cigars and pipes because of the heavier smoke they produce. The other alternative is the Kojak/Lollipop method, but then all the beer I drank would end up tasting like Zima, and that’s just unacceptable.
So hopefully with a combination of willpower and ennui I will eventually kick the habit. Am I going cold turkey??? HELL NO!!! I’ve seen what that can do to a personality and I’m a big enough prick as it is. I’m quitting gradually until I just don’t care for it anymore. That means that if you see me out and I have a cigarette in my mouth, don’t even bother busting my stones. As far as I know, cigarette smoking is still legal…on this side of the Hudson…for now.
If you know how I can effectively waste $50 in the Metro-area, please write to:
"Hal Wastes His Wages"
c/o The Current
1400 Washington St.
Hoboken, NJ 07030
Or via e-mail:
current@hudsonreporter.com