Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’ve just returned from 4 days with my family over Thanksgiving. Whew! Am I glad to be home – but I also feel a little deflated and sad, and down on myself. Although I’m 35 years old, when I’m around my family I still get pulled into old feelings of anger, hurt and guilt. I never feel that anyone hears me or understands me or that I’m valued when I’m around them. Now that I have my own child (a 4 year-old daughter), I really can’t see how my parents could have treated me with such disregard. It’s so easy for me to cherish my daughter. Why wasn’t it easy for them to cherish me? I feel bad about myself when all of these old feelings start coming up. I can’t believe I’m not beyond this stuff yet. Can you give me some pointers so I can get beyond these childish feelings?
Dr. Norquist responds:
To move beyond this emotional response, you need to let go of your need to be heard, understood, and valued by your parents. Virtually all parents try to do their best for their children. Prior experiences, a lack of awareness, and current problems and stressors get in the way of what they can offer. But I do believe the intention is virtually always good on the part of parents. Try to see it from this perspective and forgive them for what they could not give you. Parenting is not an inborn skill. It is a challenge, a call to grow. Staying in the hurt, resentful, victimized experience does not serve your own growth. As an adult, you are now responsible for your growth, and for your emotional state. Try not to judge yourself, or put yourself down for what you are feeling. Just observe it, and see how you can use this situation to grow, to develop as an individual.
An interesting question to ask yourself is "of what benefit could it have been for me to have had this experience as a child?" Many people, assuming childhood is supposed to be a certain way, feel wronged or victimized that they didn’t get what they needed or wanted. But perhaps life did unfold as it was supposed to for you. In my work, I often find that early life experiences set the perfect stage for someone to have the opportunity to learn to grow and develop in certain important ways. Feeling not fully understood or valued stimulates a certain kind of inner growth. For example, this kind of emotional experience provides the opportunity to turn inward and develop self-esteem that is based on an inner experience of your own worth, rather than on outer world approval or achievements. Not feeling a secure niche and not feeling an unquestionable sense of belonging in early life can foster a search for something greater, for an experiential connection with God, or with the spiritual dimension in your life. Carolyn Myss states it succinctly: "Bless your family, and see them as the source of the strength you discover in yourself." Try this viewpoint and see if it helps you to respond differently to your family during the upcoming holidays!
Dear Dr. Norquist:
My boyfriend went away for a week on a trip. Ever since he has gotten back, I haven’t felt as close to him as I did before he left. He tells me he loves me, but I don’t feel as though that is true. I asked him if anything was wrong and he says there isn’t. I guess my question is, how do I go about talking to him about it and should I be as worried as I am?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Sometimes we assume the other has changed when we don’t feel as close to them, when really the change came from inside ourselves. Look carefully to see if his behavior towards you is the same. Use your intuition to sense what he seems to be feeling towards you, and how congruent his behavior is with what he seems to be feeling. Then turn within to see what thoughts and feelings have been coursing through your mind, when they started, and what the triggers were. Sometimes separation from a loved one can trigger earlier abandonment or loss fears, causing us to pull away from our loved ones, in an effort to feel less vulnerable to hurt or loss. If we are not aware of doing this, it can look to us like the other has changed, when really we are the ones who closed our heart to the other. If this is the case for you, you might find confirmation of this through recalling subconscious thoughts, feelings or memories that started drifting through your mind when he left, or while he was gone. Once you have sorted through your thoughts and perceptions, as suggested above, find an appropriate time to talk with your boyfriend about your feelings. Share from your heart, and he will be more likely to be able to hear you and respond honestly to your fears.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center