In case you’ve been out of touch with every television, radio, magazine, newspaper, calendar or maddening pop-up internet ad for the past few weeks, let me remind you that it’s the holiday shopping season and that it’s your duty as an American consumer in these tough economic times to single-handedly stimulate the economy by spending way more money than you could possibly afford on crap that other people probably don’t want.
While everyone from Oprah to Ozzy will probably have a list of good ideas for things to waste your money on this holiday season, your buddy Hal here has his own list of rubbish you’d probably want to avoid pissing away your hard earned cash on:
No. 1 – Anything advertised on Cable TV by Billy Mays. Somebody tell me just who the $*@% this guy is and why should I trust his opinion on products from cleaning agents to car dent removal. And how many Americans are REALLY plagued by grease pencil stains that just won’t go away without the help of the cleaning power of orange? GREASE PENCIL!?!?! Come on, Billy – that’s about as convincing as your telephone conversation in the hands-free radio-transmitted cell phone with the universal dash-mount ad.
No. 2 – Speaking of cell phones, why do people pay so much for these things? I’ve made it a rule never to get too attached to items that I carry with me everyday, since each time I carry them the chance of them getting lost/stolen/broken steadily increases. With that in mind, I’ve never paid more than $10 for sunglasses, I haven’t paid more than $15 for a watch since moving to the Metro area (caveat emptor – pass on the ones with the metal wristbands as they tend to make your arm rust) and I’ve never bought a Zippo lighter (though amazingly I still have every Zippo that’s ever been given to me – probably because I use them for a while then start to feel like I’m pushing my luck and leave them at home). To that list of expendable portables I now add the cell phone, since in a blind fit of technologically instigated rage I smashed my antiquated StarTac to the ground, shattering it into tiny bits and pieces. As the content feeling of accomplishment was soon replaced by the stark realization that I actually needed that thing, I bypassed all the hot new models and went straight for the cheapest one I could find (Kyocera 2255 – $59.99 at Radio Shack). I figure all cell phones go to crap eventually, so why waste money on some expensive piece of gadgetry that I’m just gonna smash anyhow.
No. 3 – Staying with the gadget theme I bought an electric toothbrush – not because I’m too lazy to brush up and down under my own power, but because I thought it might make a difference in my dental health. Well it sure did – my mouth never felt yuckier than when I depended on that scam of a device. It didn’t furiously cleanse my teeth, nor did it gently massage my gums. It simply made a loud vibrating noise and made my girlfriend wonder just what the hell I was doing in the bathroom.
No. 4 – While we’re on health products, anyone who goes for Rogaine is a chump. As our generation gets older, Upjohn is gonna hike the price of that stuff through the roof. And since you need to maintain Rogaine treatments or the hair falls out, there’s going to be a crime wave of vain, rapidly balding, middle-aged men knocking over liquor stores and boosting car stereos just to get their fix. JUST SAY NO my narcissistic Yuppie friends, before you end up like Pookie in New Jack City and "dat’ $#!@ be callin’ you, man!" (Note: I’m sure that while I’d find it to be hilarious, no one in their right mind would give Rogaine as a Christmas gift. But I needed to say my peace about the product – plus I’ve been dying to put a Pookie/New Jack City reference in writing, so I saw my chance and went for it.)
No. 5 – Why buy an Xbox when the new Ybox will come out next year followed by the Zbox? Why buy a Playstation 2 when Playstation 3 will trump it? Why buy a Lord of the Rings DVD now when another, better one will come out in two months followed by another even MORE better one followed by another even MORE MORE better? Why buy a DVD player when the Digital 8-track is right around the corner? Why buy a plasma TV when they’re probably working on technology that will let you watch sports in the toilet bowl while you urinate? Why buy anything when something better is right around the corner that’ll put the top of the line item you bought this year in the bottom of your garbage pail next year?
Forgive the cynical rant, but I just wanted to air my beef with consumer America. And I’m not some grinchy scrooge who hates Christmas. In fact I enjoy Christmas – the Charlie Brown version of Christmas, especially the part about buying the cheapest tree.
Enjoy your holidays and each other, but don’t fall victim to the overwhelming overspending overtones of the season. Because when that last drop of sour eggnog is dumped into the toilet it’s going to land right on top of our economy – and I don’t know about you, but I still have rent to pay.
If you know how I can effectively waste $50 in the metro area, please write to:
"Hal Wastes His Wages"
c/o The Hudson Current
1400 Washington Street
Hoboken, New Jersey 07030
Or via e-mail:
Current@hudsonreporter.com