Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’ve been out of college for ten years now and I can’t seem to move forward with my life. I feel kind of lost as to how to move forward. My job is OK, but its not exciting, and nothing that adds much meaning to my life. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing besides financially supporting myself and eventually getting married and having kids. Sometimes I wonder how much fate has a role in what I do. Do you have any words of advice?
Dr. Norquist responds:
You need to ask yourself what this life is for. What is it that you would like to accomplish with your life? Life is not solely governed by the forces around you, but rather by the choices you make as you interact with the world around you, according to your unique understanding of the world. Seek to mold your own fate. What is it that you would like to experience short-term and long term with your body, your emotions, your mind, and your spiritual life? Spend some time considering this question. Ask yourself what pursuits, experiences, and accomplishments hold the most sense of fulfillment to you. The answer is gleaned by listening inside, and remembering past experiences, childhood visions of your future, early interests and predilections, experiences of contentment, and areas that you felt compelled to learn more about or to experience, or to create. I’m not talking just of your worklife goals. We are much more than that. Consider qualities that you would like to develop in yourself, such as humor, compassion, or courage. Breaking through fears that have bound you is certainly a worthy goal for improving the quality of your life. What do you want your daily life to feel like, in each moment? Are you goal focused or process focused? This has a tremendous influence on your daily emotional state. Where do relationships (of all kinds) stand in terms of priorities in your life? What stage of spiritual awareness would you like to become established in?
Our lives evolve in stages. Sometimes we are more focused on the mental level of our development. Others times the physical or the emotional levels are dominant. As life goes on, the spiritual level tends to hold more and more meaning for us. Pay attention to what level of development you are drawn towards at any point in time and pursue it until you are drawn toward a different level or focus for your development. Always re-consider what your goals are for this life that you’ve been given. Along the way, if you can learn to enjoy being exactly where you are, the path you tread will be much lighter and easier.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
Lately, my husband and I have been fighting a lot. We have started saying mean things to each other, especially my husband. We fight over everything but usually the fights are really bad when we are having financial trouble (this has been a major problem in the marriage). He likes to buy expensive things. He works hard and makes about $35,000, I on the other hand work hard but only make about $28,000. I also work a second job and make a $3-4,000 off of that. I get home each night around 10 p.m. (I leave in the morning by 7 a.m. because my job is so far away).
At night, he usually cooks dinner for us. I eat and try to do at least one thing such as laundry, dishes, or just cleaning up after dinner. I don’t always have time to do everything because I am so tired when I get home I just want to go to bed. On the weekends I am very good about doing all the household chores. However, if I ask him to help he says "I make more than you and you need to do the “womanly” chores". He is always throwing that he makes more money than I do at me. This has been going on for overt four years. What can I do – I’m beginning not to care so much for him anymore.
Dr. Norquist responds:
It seems your husband’s sense of worth is very tied to how much money he earns. He is using this to justify behavior towards you that is not loving, respectful, or fair. Perhaps the two of you have differing concepts of what roles a husband and a wife should play in a relationship. If so, this needs to be discussed. Earning more money than someone else does not make that person better than another person and it certainly doesn’t give them license to be disrespectful and unfair. One of the basic ingredients required for a healthy relationship is treating each other with respect. He needs to know that his behavior erodes the foundation necessary for a relationship to be intimate. There can be no genuine intimacy in a relationship that lacks respect. You need to take a serious look at what you need to feel happy and healthy in a relationship and act on those needs. Remember, how we allow others to treat us is often a reflection of how we feel about ourselves.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center.