(Dr. Norquist is on vacation this week. We are re-running letters that were published earlier in this column.)
Dear Dr. Norquist:
When my three sons were 5, 6, and 7, I gave them up for adoption. I just got out of a physically and mentally abusive marriage. I tried to commit suicide, had a nervous breakdown and was treated in a hospital and have struggled with trying to take care of myself and my sanity everyday of my life since then. Luckily, all of my son were adopted. That was 20 years ago.
I was just recently reunited with 2 of my sons, who have turned out to be hard workers with their own apartments. My 3rd son, who is the oldest (28), has been jailed a few times over the years. He calls me often from jail (collect) since I was reunited with my other 2 sons and his conversations with me are sometimes of a disrespectful nature, but I continue to have patience with him and try very hard to explain to him what a hard life I had. He tells me when he gets released he is going to live with me. I have told him I can’t take him in. He is being released from jail in July and I am panicking that he will show up on my front door.
I love him dearly but I know it is impossible for me financially, as well as living in a one-bedroom apartment, plus my own sanity’s sake to take him in. He is a child in a grown man’s body. How can I find peace in this situation, when I know I’ve failed him in the past and wish I could do something to help him now? Any suggestions I make to him like rehabilitation programs he refuses. I do have feelings of being afraid of him also, especially since I never remarried and live by myself. Any suggestions?
Dr. Norquist responds:
I have empathy for the pangs of guilt and responsibility you struggle with in your role as his mother. It sounds as if you did your best with the internal and external resources you had available at that time in your life. Doing your best is all that you can reasonably expect of yourself. Try to recognize this and forgive yourself. As a mother, you are obligated to do your best to fulfill your role as caretaker of the evolving souls of your offspring. You are not obligated to sacrifice your life or put yourself at risk. Perhaps you both have lessons you will learn from your relationship with each other. It appears what you can learn here is to stand up for and be firm about what you feel is right – that he not live with you. He is already being disrespectful of your wishes, and ignoring your decision. Perhaps with firmness on your part in sticking to what you know is right in this regard, he has another opportunity to learn limits and respect.
Your struggle is to find a place where you can be there for him, while still respecting your own needs for safety and for maintaining your emotional health. This is not an easy place to find with an adult son you have not mothered for 20 years. He does not appear to have an innate sense of respect for others’ feelings/needs and does have a problematic history. It will take time, patience, and love on your part to find this place. You can grow much in the process. Ultimately, it may not be possible to establish the kind of relationship you would like with this son. He has to be willing to grow in himself for this to occur. Your good efforts and intentions, however, will serve you well.
There has been some double blind scientific research done showing that our heartfelt good wishes and prayers can be significantly helpful to the receiver. The research showed that the sender does not even have to know the receiver for the positive effect to occur. This can be one effective means of giving to your son, that you can engage in whether or not you are able to establish an adequate interpersonal relationship with him. See books by Larry Dossey, MD for more information in this regard.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I need some information about panic disorder and attacks. My partner moved with me to NY and at the time of moving experienced several attacks of extreme fear. This has paralyzed her to the extent that she no longer goes to work, her career is on hold, and she requires help traveling if she travels at all. As well as being incredibly distressing for her it’s not helping our relationship either.
My question relates to my role in helping her recover from this. At present I frequently “overlook” the problem by going everywhere with her and being as supportive as possible. Am I an “enabler”, should I make her “tough it out,” or will she just get better?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Your partner needs to get some professional assistance to help herself to reclaim her life and her independence. Your behavior, although kind and supportive, feeds her growing fears and dependency. She is not likely to just get better. The fears involved in panic attacks can generalize and start to include more and more of her life. With commitment on her part, and some knowledgeable professional help, she can learn to deal with her fears. Becoming educated on panic attacks can be very helpful. This problem is quite common, and there are many informative books out on the subject. She would also benefit from a support group for people with panic disorders. Call the New Jersey Self-Help Clearinghouse at (973) 326-6789 for information on local groups.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center.