Dear Dr. Norquist:
Within the last month, I’ve heard two women, and overheard another say "she is my friend, but not my best friend." I have experienced being at the bottom of the "pecking order" of friends. My friend of four years initiated a dinner appointment, but cancelled without a reason. One week later, she slipped in conversation that she had dinner with her other friend, whom she refers to as her "good, good friend" (she has known her longer than me). After two other thoughtless incidents, she was told off. She neither apologized, nor defended her actions. Sincerity is a nice quality in a relationship. Or do I expect too much? Or should I avoid someone who already has a good, good friend they’ve know a long time?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Friendships can be so painful sometimes, yet so affirming and life enhancing at other times. We long for a friend, with whom we always feel accepted, supported and understood. We long for someone we can always feel comfortable reaching out to, sharing our joys and sorrows and having fun together. Our lives feel deeper and richer when we can express our feeling and share our experiences with a friend, and when we can play the same role in that friend’s life. A life that is not shared is lacking in color, and richness. Establishing and maintaining such a friendship however is not always an easy task.
Ask yourself what qualities you look for in a friendship – qualities such as trustworthiness, an ability to understand your experience of life, shared values and interests, dependability, availability (emotionally and physically), etc. Now step out of yourself and see yourself from a distance, taking a serious objective look at yourself. See if you are offering these qualities in your friendships. Take note of areas in which you could improve, and think of practical and behavioral ways you can make these changes. Try to see yourself from the eyes of your friends. How do they experience you? What effect does your presence have on them? The more you practice this exercise, the more insight you will receive.
Perhaps the friendships that you are pursuing are not the right ones for you. Friendships that evolve into "best friends" generally start off with an easy sense of affinity that grows over time. Most people have only 1 or 2 really close friends, and then other friendships and acquaintances that are comfortable and sometimes fun, but never become really close. Close friendships require time (something we generally don’t have a lot of once we are working full-time and having families). They require time to mature, and weekly availability for contact by phone or in person. If these women you mention are not interested in a closer friendship with you, then perhaps you should accept them as friends, but not close friends, and start looking elsewhere for close friendship possibilities. Friendships cannot b forced, and nothing positive comes from seeing yourself as the less desired friend. Instead, focus your energies on finding and building a friendship with someone who is open and available and on the same wavelength (so to speak) as you are. As I said before, when the friendship is right, there is a natural flow and affinity. Look for this in any friendships you wish to further develop. Also look for qualities in the other person that show the ability to be a good, trustworthy friend. If you are open to others, comfortable with yourself, and living the qualities that you would look for in a friend, then you are more likely to attract the friends that are right for you.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I have been dating my boyfriend for just over six months. We have an open and honest relationship. He shows me in so many ways that he cares for me deeply. I am serious about him, however the words I want to hear him say are hard for him to say out loud. He often tells me he would like to say certain things to me but that he doesn’t want to say anything until he is positive of what he is saying is true. I know that when he does it will be forever which is scary and exciting at the same time. I am wondering if you have any ideas about how to help me from letting it bother me so much that he doesn’t voice out loud what he seems to feel inside.
Dr. Norquist responds:
It’s interesting that in your question, you also have not voiced "the words" you most want to hear. I assume it is either "I love you" or "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." I’d suggest that you practice sharing with each other whatever feelings and thoughts and hopes you have for each other and for the relationship, as the thoughts and feelings come up. It could be something as simple as a place you’d like to go together in the future, something you really enjoy doing with him, ways that you miss him when you’re apart, or something about who he is that is really special to you. You can do this without either of you saying "the words." This will help you to build a strong foundation upon which to stand, so that saying "the words" will not feel so risky, or like such a big jump. It will also help the two of you to be more comfortable sharing your feelings together – an important skill for maintaining a close relationship. Listen with your intuition. Your heart will be able to sense whether or not he loves you long before "the words" are ever spoken. Love is a palpable energy that you can learn to sense. Build the foundation to stand on, and if it feels right to both of you, it is likely the words will eventually follow.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center.