Dear Dr. Norquist:
Lately I’ve been really frustrated and down on myself. I keep getting disappointed in myself, both at home and at work. I’m never happy with the quality of my work. There’s always something I could have done better. I see my boss as critical, but really, I think I expect more of myself then he expects of me. At home I try my best to be a perfect mother and wife, but I tend to lose my temper when someone doesn’t do what they are supposed to do. The other day my son forgot to bring his math book home, so he couldn’t do his math homework. I was so angry at him for being forgetful. Thinking back on it now, I realize that lots of kids his age have trouble being organized and often forget things. Now I’m beating myself up inside for having been so angry at him. But I have trouble stopping myself from these angry disappointed reactions. It hurts my family and leaves me angry and depressed. How can I change this?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Changing this habit will require a change in your experience of the world. This is not as difficult as it might at first appear to be. Life does not require perfection of us. This is a belief you carry that needs changing. If we make a mistake, there does not have to be a penalty. You are the one who is imposing a penalty. Try to change your perspective. Life will always provide us with new opportunities to improve upon our past mistakes. Rather than punish yourself for past mistakes, just acknowledge (without judgement) the behavior you want to change, and then try to seize the next opportunity to practice the new behavior.
In every moment you can start anew. Learn from your mistakes and then keep plugging away, doing the best you can. If you burden yourself with self-criticism, disappointment and anger, it becomes much more difficult to move forward. It’s like trying to climb a mountain with heavy weights attached to your ankles or a heavy load on your back. There is no need for the heavy weights. You can get further much faster and more efficiently the weights – so why carry them?
Accept your imperfections with compassion. Change what you can as you are able to do so. Be persistent yet patient. Practice seeing each moment as an opportunity to start anew, without the burdens of the past. Learn to take yourself and life lightly and enjoy the view along the way.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
My husband confessed to me that he had a one-time affair (he called it a "quickie"). I am still devastated. He always said he would be faithful. I have always told him I would never stand for anything like that and would leave him if he ever cheated. Now that has happened. At least he was honest enough to tell me it happened. How can I ever forgive him. Will he do the same thing again if I give in to him this time? We have three children and he is a great father.
Dr. Norquist responds:
There is no pat answer to this question. You and your husband will determine by how you respond to this situation whether it undermines your relationship or forces it and both of you to grow. You each need to take an honest look at your relationship and yourself and try to understand what prompted this behavior on his part. Try to be honest rather then blaming of each other. Perhaps your relationship needs more attention than it has been getting. Decide together how you can address each other’s unattended needs and feelings. It will take time to rebuild the trust. Consistency and honesty on his part, and the willingness to take the risk of being open and trusting again on your part will help. Forgiveness does not condone his behavior – rather, it is something you actively do, when you are ready, to let go of the anger and hurt you may be carrying as a result of his betrayal of your trust.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2001 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center