For the love of Christ, I cannot stand Christmas shopping. In fact, I’d be willing to bet that if He knew just how much of a tacky, overly commercialized aggravation His birthday would become, He never would have told anybody when it was.
Nevertheless, the ironic season of “peace on earth” and credit card bills towards men is upon us, and I for one am not ready for the battle – and make no mistake, it IS a battle. Have you ever been on the corner of 34th and Sixth in front of Macy’s this time of year? When the sign says “WALK,” the place looks like the frontal assault scenes from Braveheart. (And in the spirit of the season, when it comes to elbows to the ribs, ’tis better to give than to receive). Plus, when shopping for my family, the task becomes even more mind numbing. I ask what they want for Christmas, and they say deep, poignant stuff like “world peace” or “we just want you to come home and be with us.” Don’t get me wrong, these are wonderful sentiments, but c’mon folks – world peace is a pretty tall order for a man of my limited diplomatic means, and I’m already coming home so just tell me what the hell to bring!!!
With this in mind, perhaps I can ease the pain of this season by detailing some of the coolest items I have picked up in the past year. Maybe I can shed light on what the twentysomething-slacker guy in your lives might want this Christmas, aside from a winning lottery ticket and/or a sense of purpose for his existence.
Toys: This is a tough category. I’d have to say the coolest gift I got this year was the dartboard my girlfriend got for me for my birthday ($29.99-Modell’s, 611 Washington Blvd., Jersey City). I know the only reason she got it was to take away at least one excuse for me to go to the bar, but it’s still a nice gesture. The other toy I picked up was this awesome marble racer refrigerator magnet set called Frigits ($20) from Big Fun (602 Washington St., Hoboken). You set up the magnet-held track on the refrigerator door and run the marbles down it. It’s a great gift for the fat, twentysomething slacker – though it says “for ages 3 and up” – because it distracts them from actually opening the door once they get to the refrigerator.
Music: I’ll spare you the Matt Pinfield-WIZ commercial, “I know the bands, I hang with them” musical analysis (Pinfield, stick a pin in your over-inflated ego and remember that you’re the one who killed the Headbanger’s Ball, you Carson Daly-wannabe), but without a doubt, the single most important CD of the year has to be Tenacious D ($15.99 at Tunes, 225 Washington St., Hoboken). Jack Black, the fat guy from High Fidelity and Shallow Hal (good title, by the way-haven’t seen the movie yet though) and his fatter buddy, Kyle Gass, team up with Dave Grohl (Foo-Fighters, Nirvana) and Paige McConnell (Phish) for the funniest goddamn musical masterpiece since Spinal Tap’s Break Like the Wind. It’s my pick for Album of the Year – soundly beating the bag out of N’Sync’s Celebrity.
Health/Fitness: Forget that AbTronics rubbish – the product that claims to burn off your Buddha while you sit on your ass watching TV (if you want to make fun of somebody who actually bought that thing, stop by Duffy’s, 239 Bloomfield, Hoboken, and ask for a sucker named Joe Dietzmann), I lost a few pounds this year using my anti-gravity boots from www.vitalityweb.com ($149.95). I hang like Batman for a few minutes a day and do crunches while simultaneously relieving stress on my legs and back. Plus it spooks the hell out of the dog, which is always fun.
And last but not least…
Booze: The coolest beer to enter our market this year has to be Magic Hat (it’s been a big hit in Vermont for the past decade, but it’s finally making a dent down here). I would certainly recommend a case of #9 ($23.99) to slide under any beer fan’s tree. For the winos, I’d recommend the reasonably priced and seasonally volatile Georges DuBœuf Beaujoulais Nouveau (at $6.99/bottle, make it two), which goes out of season soon after the New Year, so drink it up right away. And for the hard boozehound, you can’t go wrong with a bottle of MacCallan 12-yr. Old ($39.99/750ml) from Sparrow Wine & Liquor (126 Washington St. and 1224 Shipyard Lane, Hoboken).
I hope this helps some of you scratch a few items off your shopping list. Have a happy holiday, and if you see Kofi Annan, tell him I need to talk to him about my mom’s present (she couldn’t be happy just with a scarf or something, could she?)
If you know how I can effectively waste $50 in the metro area, please write to:
“Hal Wastes His Wages”
c/o The Hudson Current
1400 Washington Street
Hoboken, New Jersey 07030
Or via e-mail:
Current@hudsonreporter.com