Dear Dr. Norquist:
Could you write something to speak to the tragedy at the World Trade Center? I do not personally know anyone who was lost or injured but still I feel very changed and affected by this tragedy. I can’t get it out of my mind. I think I’ve been kind of depressed since it happened.
Dr. Norquist responds:
We have all been emotionally affected by the terrorist bombing of the World Trade Center. Our sense of basic trust in the world and our own sense of personal safety have been threatened. This is an especially threatening experience for those who have had earlier life experiences that threatened their sense of personal safety or personal integrity. It is a time of much loss in ways that are obvious, and in far-reaching not so obvious ways, such as the losses incurred from having to make changes in our sense of reality, our vision of the world, and our expectations of the future.
In the aftermath of this tragedy, I find myself and most of those I see going through our days burdened and saddened, carrying a heaviness in our hearts. We have all been wounded. But it is up to each of us to find a way to cleanse ourselves of this negativity, so that we are not contributing to that which created this situation initially. Negative emotions (anger, hatred, fear, pessimism, prejudice, etc.) attract and create more of the same. Is this what we want to create? Wouldn’t it be more helpful to focus on understanding, reconnecting, and rebuilding?
This adversity has kindled an overwhelming amount of compassion and generosity, as well as a recognition of our common humanity and our common vulnerabilities. We feel the pain of our neighbors and fellow citizens. We are all wounded, but from that wound has sprung the flower of compassion. We have had our hearts torn open, and this leaves us more open to experiencing love, and recognizing our responsibility to help each other. Yes, there is great tragedy and tremendous loss and suffering, but please recognize that this has birthed the potential for the even greater counter-forces of love, compassion and unity. I believe our efforts are best spent serving and reinforcing this positive force in the world.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I have a problem with my girlfriend of one year. She feels more than I do in our relationship and thus has decided that she needs to break off our relationship. I feel very comfortable with the relationship but I understand that to be supportive I must do everything I can to make her happy. I know it’s not my responsibility, but as her boyfriend I want her to be happy regardless. If she tells me to leave I know I must, but what do I do about our relationship after that? How do I react to this situation?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Your words suggest that you are mostly reacting to her feelings and actions. What do you feel? You are focusing on the outside. Look inside. What do you want? This is what she needs to know from you, and what you need to know for yourself. Discover your own truth – what is right for you. You are creating your own life, moment to moment. Seize hold of this understanding and consciously create what you want for your life. Don’t just react to her, or resign yourself to following her lead.
Spend some time looking within, asking what you want, and getting to know yourself. If you don’t want more involvement or commitment, ask yourself why. Does the relationship or the timing not feel right, or are you fearful? If you find you don’t want to lose this relationship, then state your feelings clearly and directly, and from your heart. Then you will know how to proceed in this relationship.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2001 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center