Dear Dr. Norquist:
My wife and I have been married for 13 years. She is 5-foot-5 tall and weighs about 190 lbs. Over the years of our marriage she has gained at least 45 lbs., with more than half of the gain occurring in the last two years or so. My wife has made the issue of her weight an "off limits" topic and she is doing nothing to lose weight or to even stop gaining.
I am very concerned. While it is currently not a health issue for her, it will be one if her weight gain continues unchecked. I am also very frustrated, as the vivacious woman I married is turning into a matron and I am fearful of what the future holds if things continue at their current pace. How can I be supportive and help her? How can I calm my own fears?
Thank you for your help.
Dr. Norquist responds:
For change to occur, your wife needs to see this as a problem and needs to want to do something about it. Until this happens, things will not change. The more you want her to lose weight, the less likely she is to take responsibility for doing this for herself. Instead, the two of you could easily fall into a pattern of control and resistance, with you trying to control her eating, and she resenting and resisting this control. This stance of emotional resistance does not allow the space for her to take responsibility for her own life.
Sometimes there is a physical cause for the weight gain (such as hypothyroidism). More often, overeating is a way of coping with feelings such as fear, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, or anger. These feelings could be related to her relationship with you or other important people or situations in her life, or it could be more internally generated. Eating could be an unconscious habitual way of avoiding or trying to cope with certain emotions or it could be a way of creating a more pleasant emotional/psychological state. There could also be a nutritional deficiency that feeds a craving for certain high calorie food. Usually it is a complex web involving physiology, behavioral and lifestyle habits, emotional needs and patterns and relationships. With professional help, she could easily discern what the particulars are in her case, if she decides that this is a problem that she’d like to address.
Try to give her the space to do this for herself. What she needs is the assurance that you love her no matter what. If she makes the decision to look at this issue, you can ask her what you could do that would feel supportive to her. Also, try to discern the source of your fears. What is your worst fear? Ask yourself what would happen if your worst fear came true. Try to look your fears in the eye and they will have less power over you. Do this internal exercise each time your fear arises and you also can grow from this situation.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I am requesting your assistance on one of the most difficult decisions I will have to make that will effect my family and myself. I recently returned to my part time job after the birth of our second daughter. Since returning, I have had a very difficult time making the decision of whether I want to continue working or become a stay-at-home mom. The expense of day care is one of the biggest factors in contemplating leaving my current job.
Our financial situation is OK and we could still live comfortably without my income if I become a full time mom, but the fear of doing the right thing haunts me. In my heart, I believe being a full-time mom is in the best interest of my two daughters and husband, but how do I know if have made the right decision?
Dr. Norquist responds:
I truly believe that a happy stay-at-home mother is the best situation for children to be in. If the stay-at-home mom is discontent and struggling with feeling fulfilled in this role, then perhaps being a full-time mom is not the best option for this mother or her children. I’m not sure what the situation is in your case. Your letter does not say anything to suggest that you find any sense of fulfillment in your work. Rather, the issue seems to be, is it worth it, given the expense of daycare. Take time to visualize yourself clearly living as a stay-at-home mom. Notice what feelings and concerns arise and use this information to guide you in your decision-making.
It sounds like in your hear you already know the answer, but are afraid to act on it. Remember that this decision is not irreversible. When you are true to yourself and do what you know is right, things fall in place easily. It is up to you to align yourself with your inner courage and to take action on the decision that you know is right for you.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2001 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center