Here’s my problem: I can’t stop thinking about myself.
All day, all night, from the time I awake, even my dreams are basically about me. I just can’t get my mind off myself.
Self centered? Can’t rule it out, but there’s more going on here. I certainly have compassion. I’m always making out checks to those less fortunate. I tip generously, hold doors open, excuse myself if I bump into someone, and I genuinely enjoy being around people. I just don’t find any of them quite as interesting as me.
Sometimes I think about my insights – I get dozens of them every day. I knew the light rail was coming years before it got off the ground. The recent announcement the universe was flat, not curved, did not surprise me. My calculations told me that.
My goals dominate my thoughts: little achievements for some, but worth hours of contemplation to me. Last week I had a hemorrhoid. I was determined to get rid of it. I did exactly as told on the side of the Preparation H box. One week later, gone like a folded up tulip. That’s another thing that fascinates me about myself – the ability to phrase things just right. You’ve noticed I use the word “just” a lot? So did I. Now I ponder what that might mean.
Frequently I think about my face and body, study the subtle and not so subtle changes, thinking about what others think about me, my person. My past constantly interrupts concentration. Incidents, people, dialogue – how each affected me to make me the person I am.
Believe me, I try thinking about other stuff. I scan the papers, watch some TV news, read the captions under celebrity photos. But how can I really get involved in that stuff when I’ve got so much to do just examining the multifaceted me in all my complexity? Recently I discovered my scrotum, I mean really took note of it. Every time I think I’m running out of “me” topics, another pops up.
In fact, right now I’m not thinking about you reading this. I’m thinking about how interesting it was for me to sit down and write this essay about my problem, how utterly courageous for me to open up to you about it. How you respond of course matters little. Unless you do the obvious which is to think about me.
Now that might interest me.
Oh, there’s the phone. See, if I were self-centered, people certainly wouldn’t call me, right? Now the challenge, as always, is to try to listen to the caller without having my mind drift to the exciting agenda I’ve planned for myself this weekend. Maybe I’ll just let it ring. – Joe Del Priore