Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’ve been in therapy for awhile. It’s been helpful learning why I have the problems that I have, but I can’t seem to change. I still feel the same, mostly irritable and depressed. My relationships haven’t changed. I still fight a lot with my husband and daughter over things they do that make me feel that I’m not important to them. I resent the fact that they don’t seem to consider my needs as important, but they expect me to drop everything to take care of them. I suppose it’s my fault for treating them this way in the past. I always put them first, and now I resent it. I’m rarely happy. Although I now, due to therapy, understand the part of my family history that created these problems for me, I still feel the same. What can I do to feel differently?
Dr. Norquist responds:
The first understanding that you must thoroughly imbibe is that you and you alone are responsible for what you experience. Try to curb any emotional habit you may have to blame others for what you are feeling. Start empowering yourself by taking responsibility for your own feelings and experiences. We create our own joy and we create our grief. We do not realize that we are doing this constantly through our understanding and our mental habits. Circumstances in the outside world do not determine our experience. Our experience of the world starts on the inside – it happens from the inside out.
So, don’t go to war with the mirror; instead, look inside to see what is inside you that the world is reflecting back to you. If you want others to treat you like you are important, and your feelings and needs matter, then you must first experience your importance, and you must live the knowledge that your feelings and needs are important. Then the world around you, including your family, will reflect this back to you in their responses to you.
Your happiness is your responsibility, not your family’s. Start to observe your habitual attitudes and perceptions of yourself and others. What do you notice? Perhaps your habitual perceptions include those that leave you feeling victimized. If so, practice trying on new perceptions and attitudes that leave you feeling more empowered and uplifted. Consciously, consistently, and patiently direct your attention towards changing or "reframing" these habitual responses. Remember, if you do not shine the light of your conscious attention on these habits, they will run in their usual ruts or channels. Change is possible. It is definitely in your power to change your experience of life. But to do so, you must be willing to stick to your goals, with consistency, over time. Perfection is not necessary – but a kind and accepting and patient attitude toward yourself is immensely helpful.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
A couple of weeks ago, my husband told me that he loved me but was not in love with me and wanted to break up. We have broken up twice since then and got back together. Could you tell me what that means (I love you but I’m not in love with you). Any help you can give will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.
Dr. Norquist responds:
As you probably know, the statement "I love you but I’m not in love with you" generally suggests that the connection, and the sense of passion is no longer there. There are many reasons why this could be the case. Perhaps the chemistry between you was never quite right, and he is only now speaking his feelings. Perhaps the connection between the two of you has been obscured by neglect, anger or mistrust. Depression can also leave someone feeling isolated and unable to connect. It’s hard to feel in love with someone when one’s own joy in life has dissipated. Conversely, it’s hard to feel connected with someone who, out of their depression, has withdrawn into themselves.
You need to talk with your husband and discuss each of your feelings and needs. Where do each of you spend your time and energy? Has the relationship been a priority, or has it fallen to the wayside, behind career, family, friendships and other situations and interests that you each devote yourselves to. See if you can find a way to connect again. Try to listen to his needs and feelings without reacting from your own needs. When he feels heard and understood, he is likely to feel closer, and more connected with you. Try to understand this situation objectively, from the wisdom of the heart. Remove your needs, fears and insecurities from your reactions, and see what remains. This awareness of what remains once fear and insecurities are removed puts you more in touch with what is true and genuine in your relationship. This will give you a clearer idea of how to proceed.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2001 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center