Valentine’s Day is around the corner. Will you be celebrating with someone special this year – or are you still dating losers? If you answered “yes” to the latter, I propose you make a promise to yourself to stop. Carefully read through the following list of losers and check off the type with whom you constantly find yourself entangled. (If you find yourself checking off more than three, put this down immediately and run like the wind to your nearest mental health professional. You need intensive therapy.)Note: The masculine pronoun has been used for reading ease. Feel free to adjust the gender accordingly. (But, let’s face it, more men fit into these categories than women.)
• The Taker – Always has a reason why he needs something from you. Never looks to see if you’re unhappy, dissatisfied, upset, inconvenienced, broke, or anything that would take the focus off his own needs/desires/whims/fantasies. In fact, he never even notices if you suddenly start limping, sobbing, chanting, violently twitching, projectile vomiting, or morphing into a polka-dotted unicorn.
Solution: Give this guy something he doesn’t ask for – “the boot.”
• The Sophomore – Never got past the frat boy stage. Thinks a perfect date is eating cheese puffs, drinking Red Dog, and playing Game Boy while you sit quietly (preferably in another room) until he’s ready for sex. If his friends call to get together, prepare to vacate the premises immediately – you’re not welcome to join.
Solution: Graduate him to the class of “Good riddance, 2001.”
• God’s Gift – Believes he’s doing womankind a favor by spreading himself around. Has multiple frames on his mantel, all with his photo in them. When he breaks a date, he leaves you a message prefaced with, “Boy, are you going to be disappointed.”
Solution: Give this gift back to God and let Him deal with it.
• Broken Wing – Coming off a difficult break-up. Looking for someone to take his broken wing and help him fly. Always has that look on his face like he’s just seen his puppy drawn and quartered. Don’t help him heal – he’ll fly all right – away, with somebody else.
Solution: Take flight while you can.
• Poor Soul – Can’t seem to “find” himself – or his wallet. Usually has an addiction of his own, born from a deep-seated lack of self-esteem or interest in gainful employment. Never has the money to pay for his rent, a movie, or one Tic-Tac.
Solution: Cash out before you go broke.
• Data Dumper – Needs to get everything “out on the table” early in the dating process. Will tell you his whole life story including which self-help groups (alcoholics, narcotics, sexaholics) he is a member of, how many times a week he goes to therapy, and how he found inner peace through God/Eddie Bauer/Tribal Drumming/Embroidery.
Solution: Dump him.
• The Nerd – Glued to his computer because he’s socially inept. Snorts milk out his nose even when he hasn’t drank any. Thinks a perfect Valentine’s Day gift is a pocket protector to match his.
Solution: Delete him from your life.
• The Dictator – Controls your life and brainwashes your mind. Tells you that you have to check in with him every 27 minutes. Buys you the only clothes you’re allowed to wear, picks the people you can talk with (no men), and scripts what you’re allowed to say.
Solution: Stage a coup and banish him to a small island in Indonesia, preferably one with dysentery – and no toilets.
• Namby-Pamby – Can never make a decision. Waits for you to tell him what to order at McDonald’s, which movies he wants to see, and how many pairs of tighty-whities he should buy. Goes along with whatever you say – even it’s going to the quilting bee’s annual poetry reading of menopause-themed haiku.
Solution: Wishy-washy him out of your hair.
• Last Hippie – Doesn’t believe Jerry Garcia is dead. Entire wardrobe consists of tie-dyed T-shirts, Birkenstocks, a headband, and puka beads. Displays a five foot-high bong prominently next to his waterbed. Every time you try to start an argument, he holds up his fingers in a V and tells you, “Whoa, chill out, man. I think I need some weed.”
Solution: Smoke out this dope.
Although not a formal “type,” I do offer caution on one other specimen you may encounter – The Illegal Alien. He needs directions to Shea Stadium, a place to stay, and a Green Card. Don’t oblige – unless you own a restaurant, a deli, or a 24 hour gas station and need extra help.
Now that you know who to avoid, I’m going to share with you the most important piece of advice – which places to avoid. If you don’t want to meet up with a loser, it’s rather simple, really. All you have to do is steer clear of bars, supermarkets, book stores, coffee houses, dry cleaners, video stores, restaurants, take-outs, offices, bus stops, parties, cultural events, professional societies, political groups, religious groups, hobby groups, volunteer organizations, community activities, singles events, courses, yoga, the gym, vacation spots, the Internet, and any kind of waiting in line.
I hope you found this piece helpful. I’m sure by next Valentine’s Day, you’ll be curled up on your couch, a big box of candy at your feet, a glass of wine in one hand, while the other hand reaches out for your object of desire … a good book. – Eileen Budd