A few years ago, one of our readers didn’t get the joke. She read our annual “cracked crystal ball” predictions of events for the upcoming year and thought the whole thing was a big mistake. “That’s gonna be a classic!” she wrote in a letter. She wanted to know how we could report news that hadn’t happened yet.
Well, duh!
We’re sort of kidding. But are we? Some of these might happen. And since truth is stranger than fiction, we wouldn’t really be surprised, would we?
January
The Port Authority of New York and New Jersey decides that the fairest solution to the proposed fare hike is to charge fares on a sliding scale. Monthly passes will cost one fifth of a percent of a commuter’s income, or $200 for a person earning $100,000 per year. The Port Authority of New York and New Jersey also decides it’s about time they shortened their name. They will hereafter be known by the acronym T’PANYNJ, which is pronounced to rhyme with “Kefauver.”
Hoboken Mayor Anthony Russo declares that it is an official policy that City Hall will not hire anyone who is taller than he is. He explains that this has been an unwritten rule for years. “Look around here,” he says. “How else do you explain [city directors] Drasheff, Crimmins and Calligy?”
Fed up with crazy American election hijinks, West New York residents crowd onto a boat to escape to Cuba.
February
Kathy Stack, the wife of Union City Mayor Brian Stack, realizes that she actually calls the shots in City Hall and decides to initiate a recall movement against her husband. Kathy Stack becomes the first Hispanic female mayor in Hudson County.
With the expansion of the two elementary schools, the Secaucus Board of Education decides they can no longer afford teachers. They receive a technology grant from Secaucus-based Panasonic Corporation for robots, cameras, TVs and extra computers. All lessons are taught over the Internet. However, Huber Street students working on KidWitness news, a Panasonic program, cleverly inject cartoons into the systems, substituting repeats of South Park for classes.
Attempting to raise his name recognition in the governor’s race, Mayor Bret Schundler meets with Minnesota Governor Jesse “The Body” Ventura. Schundler emerges with a shaved pate, a cheesy moustache, and a new “in your face” attitude. His new nickname? Bret “Huggy” Schundler.
March
It is discovered that diminutive Hoboken City Councilman Tony Soares has been faking his dwarfism to get sympathy votes. Soares, who had been claiming for years that he was 4-foot-2 due to a form of dwarfism known as Achondroplasia, is found to have been hiding an extra two feet through the use of special holograms created during his advertising days. Because he is really 6-foot-2 and thus taller than Mayor Russo, he is no longer allowed to enter City Hall.
The North Bergen Board of Education announces that it has found a suitable and safe location for a new high school – in Warren County. Residents are pleased that their children won’t be crossing Tonnelle Avenue.
West New York Business Administrator Richard Turner plans a take-over of West New York while Mayor Albio Sires is visiting his parents in Miami. Sires returns from his vacation one week early to find Turner scraping his name off his office door. But Turner covers up his plan by saying that the entire office is being renovated.
April
After following the lead of the Union City Tax Committee, none of the homeowners in the city pay their taxes. The city holds its largest accelerated tax sale and all of the homes are put up for sale.
The city of Hoboken undertakes an extensive three-minute search for a qualified candidate to oversee the federally-subsidized Hoboken Housing Authority projects, advertising throughout the Board of Education and the first floor of City Hall.
New York scraps its West Side stadium proposal when it learns that Jersey City plans to build a 70,000-seat domed stadium, a Great Adventure-style theme park and a yak farm in Liberty State Park. The tentative name for the complex: “Bretland.”
The new Liberty State Park slogan, “Jersey City makes me want a yak,” is scrapped because people keep hearing it wrong.
May
The new zip code for Weehawken is announced, but the U.S. Postal Service announces that it has run out of possible numerals to use, so it will use six letters: RENRUT. Mayor Turner denies that he has anything to do with the letters, which coincidentally spell “Turner” backwards.
A Jersey City dog owner successfully evades a pooper scooper fine by claiming his pooch was merely contributing to this year’s “Art in the Parks” display.
The Hoboken mayoral election between Anthony Russo and City Councilman David Roberts ends in a draw. Special officials are flown in from Florida to count votes, but there is still no conclusive victor. The two decide to determine the winner through a tennis match.
June
Secaucus Administrator Anthony Iacono, Mayor Dennis Elwell, Deputy Mayor John Reilly and Assemblyman Anthony Impreveduto resign their posts to form a grunge band. The four claim they saw the MTV music awards and felt an irresistible urge to grow their hair long and crawl around on stage. They pledge that to make up for giving up their public service duties, they will voluntarily perform as part of the town’s “Concerts in the Park” series.
West New York firemen open a basement winery in the firehouse at 66th and Hudson streets, using the grapes from the firehouse garden. The line of “Four Alarm Wines” does extremely well, and the firehouse is turned into a full-time winery. Meanwhile, politicians who have lost elections in neighboring municipalities come together to sell a rival wine, which they market as “the first wine that comes from sour grapes.”
Secaucus decides to hold its own marathon … but there’s a catch. It will be combined with an ongoing survey of the sewers. Runners must carry cameras and take notes on what they see. Acting Town Administrator Charlie Schumacher says this will “kill two birds with one stone.” If the event is successful, the town will expand the race to include the swamps for a study of mosquito breeding grounds.
July
Guttenberg officials are shocked to enter the council chambers and find all of the mayors’ pictures gone, except for the one of Peter LaVilla. LaVilla, whose own portrait was recently removed and put back, denies any involvement. However, the city is soon asked to take down the LaVilla portrait as well when it is learned that it was painted over a map of the West New York time capsule, which has been missing for more than 50 years.
A book of articles on Secaucus written by Reporter staff writer Al Sullivan shoots to the top of the best seller lists, replacing such offerings as “Harry Potter and the Uncounted Electoral Ballots;” “Angela’s Ashtrays;” “Who Ate My Cheese?” and “A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Book Deals.” Meanwhile, colleague “Jersey Jon” Miller reports feeling jealous.
August
In a shocking development, North Bergen Mayor Nicholas Sacco and his fiercest political opponent, Edward “Bo” Scannavino, join forces as a ventriloquist act. Bo and Nicky open to rave reviews in Atlantic City, with Bo pulling the strings. “Don’t you say anything, Nicky?” Bo asks. Nick responds, “Have a nice day.”
A Hoboken developer unveils plans for a 46-story building on the city’s west side shaped like Frank Sinatra. When activists complain, city officials accuse them of being anti-Sinatra.
The Secaucus Health Department decides to ban breathing in public spaces. Board of Health President Frank Mancuso – who was instrumental in curbing smoking in public areas – claims significant amount of germs are spread by people breathing on other people. Malls and other areas of grouped businesses are allowed to have special “breathing areas” as long as these are adequately ventilated.
September
Researchers determine that former Hudson political boss Frank Hague never said “I am the law,” but did in fact say, “I am the wal. Rus. Koo, koo, kee chu.”
Taking their cue from Secaucus’ recent celebration of the 100th anniversary of the town’s secession from North Bergen, residents of Harmon Cove finally decide to separate from the town of Secaucus. The one problem is the missile defense system Harmon Cove purchases from the former Soviet Union. Condo officials can’t figure out how to decorate the missile silos so as not to have them clash with the townhomes.
October
Hoboken citizen activist Annette Illing forms a rap quartet with the Beastie Boys called “License to Be Illing” in order to air rap songs against controversial development projects. Developer Joe Barry combats this by changing his name to Cool J.B., LLC, and releasing two albums, “It’s Always the Same 250 People Opposing Everything” and “What Are You Doing?”
Assemblywoman and St. Mary Hospital spokeswoman Joan Quigley releases the following statement: “I’m tired of living a lie. Yes, I AM the same Joan Quigley who was Nancy Reagan’s astrologer.”
The Hoboken Alliance for Lower Taxes announces, “We’re not dead. We’re every bit as active as that Hoboken Independent Democrats group.”
President George W. Bush visits Hudson County to praise all of the new development. He happens to walk into a Hoboken Planning Board meeting during which a group of officials and activists are arguing over the definition of a parapet. Bush settles the matter by saying that he had one as a boy and while they are constantly flapping their wings and repeating everything you say, they can provide many great years of companionship.
November
Suspecting that there will be no one running against him for mayor next year, Weehawken Mayor Richard Turner announces that he will run against himself. Claiming that as a registered independent, he can run on both the Democratic and Republican tickets, Turner says he needs to run against himself to find out “if I can truly win an election.” Ultimately, Turner wins in a landslide, defeating Turner by a 3-1 margin.
Hoboken Cultural Affairs Director Geri Fallo finally walks out of City Hall at 9 p.m. on Nov. 8 after having worked inside the building for 11 months straight without leaving.
While visiting Union City, President George W. Bush is told about last year’s buyback program that was intended to keep guns off the streets. Bush responds, “Why? How much parking do they take up?”
December
The Hudson County Division of Cultural Affairs begins working on a new list of excuses for why it has now taken nearly four years to put out a directory of artists. They expect to complete the list by 2008.
Joan Quigley cheerfully offers the following prediction: “When mercury is in retrograde, Hudson Reporter publisher Dave Unger will buy everyone a new car.”