Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’m very confused. I end up feeling caught between what my mother says I should do and what my husband thinks. I was raised Catholic – Catholic school and everything. My mother and the church say I have to go to mass every week. My husband (who is also Catholic, but not practicing) thinks this is hogwash. I’d like to stay home with my husband but I feel guilty if I don’t go to Mass. I don’t know who is right. The Catholic Church has been around for a long time, so maybe my mother is right – but I’m not sure. My mother and my husband have different opinions on lots of things, and I don’t know who is right. I’m not sure who I believe.
Dr. Norquist responds:
We have a habit of listening to others opinions and comments as if they were true. This probably stems from our experiences as children, soaking in (without questioning) everything our parents said. As adults, we have the ability to question what we are told or what we read, and to decide for ourselves what we believe is true. This is part of taking full responsibility for our lives. The problem is, we are generally not taught how to discern the truth for ourselves. We tend to blindly repeat what we’ve been conditioned to believe.
Don’t assume that your mother, your husband know the truth for you. Contemplate what you believe and confirm it for yourself. Whatever is true will correspond to a feeling of truth within yourself. You can research and educate yourself on the topic – and this is a good thing to do. In many matters, however, there is no proven correct answer, and you must decide for yourself. Ask yourself what feels right and true in a particular situation, and learn to focus within and listen for the answer. The answer does not come from the head. In fact, sometimes being overly focused on our own thoughts and cognition’s prevents us from hearing the answer. The answer is generally something we sense in our heart to be true.
Have you ever heard or read something and then had the reaction – "yea, that’s right on" or "that feels right"? Pay attention to what part of you responded in this way. Generally this kind of a reaction comes from an area in your body that is much closer to the heart, then to the head. It is as if a part of your being resonates with the truth when you hear it expressed, or when you read about it. This way of discerning the truth may appear very odd to some, and to others it may make sense immediately. You see, the head is smart, but wisdom comes from the heart. If you make a practice of asking your heart "what feels right and true to me in this situation?," you will slowly but surely start to build a bridge to your genuine self. This will set you on the path towards living a life that is in congruence with who you really are. Then it will not be a question of whether your mother is right or whether your husband is right, but rather, what you genuinely experience as true.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I have a problem with the girl I am dating now. She has just gotten her divorce this past summer. She has a little boy that I get along with very well. But she never seems to want to be alone with me. We have been dating even before her divorce was final but it always seems that someone is always with us when we go out. I think the world of her and her little boy. Do you think I need to give her space or is she just using me because she is scared to be alone. Any advice would be appreciated.
Dr. Norquist responds:
It is quite likely that this recently divorced mother is not ready yet to open her heart to someone new. There is a timing aspect to everything. It is healthy and natural after the ending of a relationship to need some time to heal before being ready to open up to another relationship. She also has her child’s needs and feelings to consider. If you are seriously interested, and you sense there is some potential for this relationship, then make patience your ally here. Time will bring clarity to this situation.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 205, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Art Therapy, reflexology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, Alexander Technique, and Jin Shin Do. Ó 2000 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center