Dear Dr. Norquist:
I guess I should start from the beginning. My first husband was a very jealous person, who physically abused me. I had three children by him, and still today feel the pain of his abuse. After a 10-year marriage, I decided to call it quits. Three years later, I met the man of my dreams: a humble soul, who treated me with respect, he is a widower with one son. We raised our children together, and then we had our daughter, whom he supposedly loved with all his heart. Nine months ago, my husband and I separated. A close friend of mine, who I considered my little sister, gradually took over my husband. I should mention she has three children by her boyfriend. This did not stop her from befriending my husband. After much turmoil, I threw him out. It seems as though this woman was taking over our lives. He did favor after favor for her, and from what I am told she even slept with him. Needless to say, I am devastated. Here’s a man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. He raised my kids, I raised his son, and he ultimately betrayed me.
My children and I are going through rough times. I lost my job, and I have even had to seek financial help. He has forgotten our family. He doesn’t care if our rent is paid, if we eat, nothing.
My dilemma is, how can a person I trusted with all my heart have become so evil, and inhuman? We’ve gone hungry with this man, we were evicted four times, and as a family we went through his cancer. She parades around in his car, as if she were his wife, and her boyfriend too. Sometimes I have to pinch myself because I believe this is a bad dream.
It hurts so badly, my heart hurts. I cry everyday, because she told me in front of a court that he was her taxi, and if he got sick he was my responsibility.
As a doctor, I ask your advice. What would make a man, who was so kindhearted destroy his family and walk out completely without looking back? Sometimes I question my marriage: was it really that bad that he would want out, because all married people argue. This woman did take advantage of our friendship, she ate at my table. She has even gone as far as to laugh at his sexuality, saying her man is a better lover and my husband is an incompetent old man.
Please help, I feel awful and feel I’m being made a fool of by them.
Dr. Norquist responds:
It sounds like the hurt you struggle with the most in this painful situation is not being able to comprehend your husband’s betrayal of your trust in him. His actions are incomprehensible to you because they do not match your perception of who he was earlier in the relationship. The only way you know how to evaluate his behavior is to see him as "evil and inhuman," and this leads you to mistrust your earlier perceptions of him, and perhaps the validity of your own judgement. I’m sure his behavior makes sense from his perspective, but without more information, we can only guess about the source of his behavior. It could be anger acted out, the need for approval and acceptance from others, a lack of consciousness regarding the full effect of his behavior on others, selfishness, or numerous other possibilities that are unknown to us. I do not believe that he suddenly became evil and inhuman. To see it this way is to disempower yourself by emotionally taking the victim role. It is generally in our best interest to give people the benefit of the doubt, but to try to understand how the situation could have happened so we can protect ourselves from repeated similar hurts. Looking back, ask yourself what you could have done differently. What can you learn here? Remember, the company you keep can be uplifting or it can bring you down. Choose wisely when you are deciding with whom you will spend your time.
You need to work on healing your heart and moving on. To your credit, you have been able to remove yourself and your children from abusive situations twice now. This takes a lot of inner strength. Remember that you have this strength. It is part of who you are. Use this strength and try to come to an understanding of this situation that does not feed your hurt and negativity. Anger and hurt and resentment only serve to keep you emotionally stagnated and still tied to this man. You must choose to let go and move on.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 205, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, hypnosis, yoga, meditation, Bach Flower Remedies, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Art Therapy, reflexology, Reiki, Shiatsu, Cranial Sacral Therapy, Alexander Technique, and Jin Shin Do. Ó 2000 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center